Multiple people have asked me if I feel I experience something different than others. Do I think I am the only person who feels heavy things? Do I feel I am the only one who feels different? Am I the only one who goes through the battles I do? The answer is in the details. One by one of those details I am not different at all. I am connected in that one thing with a million other people and billions more who lived on this planet before I arrived. I don’t feel one truly novel thing new to the human race. I could be depressed, overwhelmed, suicidal, glorious, euphoric, misunderstood. I could love more than one person. I could be attracted to someone of the same gender. I could be a murderer. I could be forced into sex trafficking. I could feel as if I don’t have talents or I could feel I have my self esteem because of the talents I do have. I could have an insanely busy family schedule as a mother. I could have cancer. I could keep secrets or I could be an open book. Almost everyone feels social anxiety to some level. Almost everyone wants to be understood. Almost everyone is afraid of something. We are all human. We have each individual DNA strand in common. Same strands but expressed very differently. Consciousness expresses it differently. Legacy predisposes us to act differently. And yet, look at how similar we are.
To the question “Do I think I am the only one who feels these things?” The answer is no. Social isolation that cripples us mentally lies in forgetting how alike we are to others. Someone somewhere is dealing with what you are in some way. Every person you meet has SOMETHING in common with you. However, they aren’t you.
Being different doesn’t cause us pain. Our point of focus keeps us isolated and in pain. If we focus only on differences and distance we will not ever be touched by the moment’s right next to us. If we desire a hug and ignore the air around us, we push away the moments we belong. If we refuse to connect in the million small ways we are similar because we are too focused on the vast miles of differences that also exist we deny all the good that DOES exist. We don’t get to find people who understand us holistically. We find few who understand us on complete full levels. We don’t have to wait until we do. We can take the little moments of touching people along the way to heal our souls from isolation.
Am I different? Yes I am very different. I may connect with you in understanding big concerns like cancer, human trafficking, parenting, deep suffering, social anxiety, or a host of other deep concerns. We may even share one or two. We may share other small concerns. School, feeling beautiful, self esteem, social concerns, etc. I don’t personally understand all of these issues I mentioned. I have my own story. Others probably have experienced whole worlds more than I have that I can’t understand at all right now. We are all more than these differences though. We are connected from our similarities; no matter how small.
I want to understand those who know more than me. I want them to take the time to connect and share their world and let me share mine. It is not that I understand less but that I understand differently. My stack of knowledge is piled high but different than yours. Let me learn from you and increase our connection. Don’t cut me short of that opportunity because our small similarities aren’t enough to make you feel ‘seen’.
Likewise, I may not often be like you. You may see those small things you think you understand about me but there are miles to me that can’t be seen. My potential, my past, my stress, my aspergers, my hopes, my walls and fears which are paralytic; My talents and abilities are crushing battles can’t get the hug the way they hoped for. It isn’t real life. I don’t need to be miserable about it. I don’t need to pretend I am exactly the same either. I am not the same. Sorry but I can’t be sorry. I also can’t be miserable that I am alone in it either. My focus is changing.
I am focused on all the ways I do belong. The same technique exists to pull yourself out of a panic attack. You focus on what you are feeling. You can feel the earth pushing up against your feet and your hands touching something. Truly feel it. Focus on it. Focus on your breathing like the waves of an ocean. The tides come in and out the same way to find air just a little bit different, hitting at different angles of your lungs, releasing back to the trees waiting for its release. Focus on what you can see. The things that are placid, still, solid. Focus on the colors you can see. Focus on the shapes. Focus on every small thing you can hear. Focus on the air, the buzz, the birds, the clanks, the voices, the breathing. Focus. Move to your soul. Focus on the people who are there. Focus on how you are alike. Focus on how that other person has hopes like you, fears to be judged or misunderstood like you, dreams like you, etc. Focus on how you belong. Connect. Accept what IS and keep going with peace in your heart. You got another piece of a connection. They might not see all of you or even be capable of it. But someday you might bless them by showing and enriching their life in whatever way they are ready for. Learn something about them.

It really is all about focus. Believe in your souls’ ability to exist by itself without the hug of understanding. Believe all you know matters. Let go of the overwhelming beliefs that you need someone to see all of you. Let go of the belief that your differences mean you must be alienated from others. Let go of your believe that similarities have to be holistic to connect people. Believe that no matter how small, connections matter. Let your heart smile. Let people who are deeply engrained in your deepest matters touch your soul to that level. Let people who experience trials to a less degree but equally as difficult level touch you there irrespective of any other level that exists inside you. Let people come and go. Let nature come and go. YOU stay steady. See your path through to the end. Focus. Focus your senses. Focus your soul. You exist. You are different. There is no shame in that. You need others? They are there! They can’t all be there all the way all the time. It is up to you to let those connections matter on the level they are meant to exist at.
So thankfully I AM different. I don’t lie to myself that I am the same. But I don’t deny myself my similarities. When you are around the simple long enough you learn the blueprint to the complex. Simple grows fast, broad, and deep. The complex is still built upon the simple. It never disappears, goes away, or morphs into something new. It stays the same and simply replicates and becomes larger. Stay connected with the simple and you won’t be isolated regardless of how deep you go or how different you become you won’t feel isolated even if you live alone. Namaste!

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Aurianne Elizabeth

Posted: February 19, 2013 in Photography
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Aurianne Elizabeth

Beautiful baby girl. She is like the wind. Charming. Determined. Flighty. Constantly on the move. Sober. Intelligent. She has my heart =) ❤

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I can handle all this greatness =)

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Big Sky Country

Posted: February 9, 2013 in Squires family blog

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Pakistan inspired colors

My sister in law Tammi, residing in Montana, started her own company Urbanitrends. We got to snag a few of our favorite hats and enjoy a local park. The colors of a large dome, chipped and in decay reminded me of Pakistan; still living in the past, vibrant culture, breaking apart and raw. Montana is in a lot of ways just like this. Rustic, culturally fabricated upon explorers and a way of life that is fundamental, raw, and somewhat chipped. Still life blossoms, lessons are learned, and families grow.
Ethan adores feeding chickens now. He knows how to push them aside to get their eggs, he knows they will peck at you and that they will lift their feathers so you can scratch their backs. Dirty, messy business livestock are.
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I was not raised on a farm and would rather be found in a dance club, museum, restaurant, or a beach. Still…there is something powerful about the basics of life. Ethan feels it. I feel it. His dad was raised around it. Living off the food that you are in charge of collecting and growing, gathering firewood and stoking a fire all night to keep warm, getting thick skin to deal with cold Montana winds and weather all make big sky country more earthen like the middle east than anything I could have learned in a bigger city. Even though we are near a big city I can’t help thinking of “A river runs through it” and “legends of the fall”…This place is so deeply tied to its roots, the people are so gritty from their heritage, it exudes anywhere you go. I try to avoid Walmart and wander into all the small owned shops. Walmart was built in front of a refinery blowing rank gas right across the street anyway. I listened to small town people talk about their lives, the sameness of their routines as I shopped with my mother in law for plants and gifts. The love of novel items seems lost in the bigger cities where chic, trendy items are stacked by the piles into fancy stores. This has a fine appeal. But nothing compared to the pride one can take in hole in the wall places in small towns. Life is slower (much slower). They would prefer to ask a stranger about their career plans and how they are feeling while they slowly put together a care package that you just bought rather than being respectful and respecting that you are a paying customer and expect professionalism. The mindset would never occur to them. I am far more used to New Yorkers and Jersey Shore shops giving a friendly head nod, doing their job, and sending you on your way with a ‘good day’. In jersey, I thought the best shops were ones that added “good day ma’am”. What a culture difference. You can learn a lot about steady hearts from a small town. Slow, steady, caring, personal.
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Montana is a place of rough grit to me. It isn’t a nice pressed jewel, it is completely raw. It is a heritage of hard work, then keep hard working some more. It is also the most peaceful place to listen to the fireplace roaring at night throughout the house, the fish aquarium’s white noise, and the soft lighting at the top of hill. There are no bigger skies than montana. Lewis and Clark found this place off the river and created one rough, tough city. This place is all work, all thick skin.
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