Posts Tagged ‘Psychology’

If I were to ask you what the worst feeling in the world would be, what would you say?
You most likely answered with a horrible feeling. A negative emotion.
Negative. Bad. Horror. All of the things we seek to avoid or eradicate.
But while we are running from these worst feelings, these bad experiences, the worst things the mind can conceive, what are we REALLY doing? The mind does not have a memory for pain. You can think back on a memory and remember all sorts of details and feelings but you can never remember EXACTLY what the pain felt like. Not physically and not fully emotionally. The closest we can get is to go to a place in our mind and let something sting us into our soul remembering something bitter. The human body has a conditioned response to avoid pain.
But are we really avoiding pain or are we searching for a happier feeling? We are equating no pain with complete happiness when this is not the case. No pain = nothingness. Working out is painful but because we achieve a plateau of health,we push through the pain. Without muscles tearing, without sweating, without heavy breathing and straining we can’t achieve heights with the human body. Our body doesn’t release chemical endorphin’s. We know this about the human body. This same rule applies to the spirit. Those who seek through prayer, meditation, or inward journeys of sacrifice can attest that, in those moments, the soul has trouble breathing. Those moments our heart aches. Those heavy times are worth the plateau of a peaceful and even center. People travel the world to try to find just a glimpse of that moment. This is where the complexity comes in.
The spirit and body are tied together. You can’t get hurt physically and have your spirit ignore it for long. It affects and wounds the spirit too. You can’t get hurt emotionally on a deep level and expect it not to also affect how the body functions. It will affect its chemicals, its stress reaction, its biorhythms.  So now, lets quickly remember the first question I entered with…If I were to ask you what the WORST feeling in the world would be what would you say? Would it still be something negative? Fear. Lonliness. Heartbreak. Terror. Hatred. etc etc…
The worst feeling in the world is neutrality. It is indifference. It is the mundane. It leads to nowhere. There is no plateau of greatness but it seeps the life out of the spirit and the body. It is the easiest course to become nothing. People who hate us, use us, leave us, deceive us are giving us the traction we need to become great and strong. They gave Anne Frank the keys to what human life are about. They gave the answers to Victor Frankel. They gave the answers to victims. They gave the answers to every soul who felt the pain. The enemy is not pain. The enemy is not how hard a situation is, how impossible the situation is, how devastatingly unfair a situation is, how cruel a person is; the enemy is not the darkness. Even within the dark there are shades arguing what is good and bad, right and wrong. The enemy is the conditioning that freedom is painless. There is a wonderful quote “Pain demands to be felt”. If for one moment you quit running from pain and start reading what it has to say, if instead of closing your eyes you demand they stay open, if instead of letting your life be about money, bills, goals, society, survival and search out what life is SAYING inside the waves of pain, disappointment, hopes, dreams, discouragement, hatred, fear, anger, love, acceptance, mistakes, pursuits, champions then you will find you are no longer neutral anymore. You are no longer seeking goals that continue your own tether to this magnet of avoidance. Your goals won’t be “I will do this so I will never feel this pain and neither will anyone else”. Your goals will be “no matter where I go, I will allow myself to feel. I will not avoid. I will conquer it.”
Everything ends in life. My one fear is that I will have remained neutral mentally for too long. I won’t have touched upon what great souls touched upon and reach that spiritual plateau where I FEEL happy. Where I operate with a strength and presence of understanding. The spirit craves pain as the only way to burst free of the cocoon of neutrality. There is no way to be free of fires because true peace is being inside of the fires and not being harmed anymore ❤



“I don’t understand why she cares so much about small things”
“If she would just let it go she would be happier”
“She is making a big deal out of nothing”
“How in the world can she think that is ok?”
“what was she thinking?”
“Why the heck did she just say that?”
“I can’t read her. She either seems aloof or just goofy”

An Aspie could hear this her entire life.
She will feel deeper and look deeper than most. In some ways this will make her an expert in human emotion. She will read when someone is hiding something, read when someone likes her but isn’t saying, and identify when someone doesn’t like her but acts like they do. This world is full of facades.
The problem though, is it doesn’t come naturally. It is an analytic process.
I have just as much luck stumbling upon a brilliant philosophical idea as I do in overthinking a situation- believing an emotion is about me when it isn’t at all.
Same as any other aspie lady you know.
And can you really blame us? The world is full of completely wrong signals and we are actively, scientifically identifying them and we are calling out the mistakes. If you are sad but just say you are tired because it means less questions, If you are mad but just say ‘ok’, If you don’t like someone but don’t want to make a big deal, If you snap at someone and then say you were ‘teasing’…an aspie is going to see the dichotomy.
Growing up, my mother always told me “you can’t hold someone accountable for their feelings, only their actions”. This made me into someone who was always quiet. I’d be stuck thinking “wait, you just said this but you are feeling this other way and I need a half an hour to figure out why and decide how to respond” and then it would be too late and i would kick myself in the shins for not being more proactive or saying something witty that didn’t allow the emotional dishonesty to take place. Then of course my zen would return as I told myself to just let it go. yeah, I think too much.
There are days where someone would do something and I would see that schism and decide “nope! I will bring this one up!” and then find out it had nothing to do with me and I had pushed it for no good reason. They look at me like I am an idiot, they feel bothered, I feel stupid. I kick myself in the shin for two weeks wondering “why the heck didn’t you notice it isn’t about you? Why do you have to assume every emotion is about you? learn to just let go and let people be people” and then finally reach zen again ‘letting go’.
Here are just a few things an aspie girl will feel. They aren’t neurotypical but maybe you can relate.
1. when life is going well it feels like you are riding the train of life. It is going along and you are inside the train making meals, talking with people, keeping up just fine because you are on board. You may be tired, sad, happy, playful, or any other emotion but you are doing it on board the train. You can make it just fine. You can relate with people. You ‘feel’ it is possible. Then out of no where you aren’t on board anymore. You can’t stop either. Life isn’t that way of course. Life is always moving. No, now you are being pulled behind the train. But no one seems to notice. If you say “I am sad and can’t seem to do this” they respond “yeah I am sad too. Just do it anyway and it will be ok”. Of course, there is the difference of being pulled behind life and being on board for it.
2. People talk about needing time to recharge. Everyone needs a vacation and rest. But if you miss a little bit you still do fine. For an aspie girl it isn’t like recharging though. They need to rebuild themselves. Think of the differences in those words. Recharge means you are low on battery and you plug in and refill your reserves and go again. Rebuild means you are destroyed in your soul. Something wreaked havoc and tore you apart. This is what happens internally. Life grates at an aspies mind and heart. She will bump into walls because she doesn’t see them. She is ‘too much’ sometimes and other times blends in just fine. She feels an overabundance of the same thing the entire human race feels but she doesn’t intrinsically understand how to fit in. She will have fierce reactions to being misunderstood or feel severely depressed when mislabeled. She has to have time not just to recharge what she knows but to rebuild her world so she understands it and rebuild her self esteem so she continually has faith in herself. Time consuming? Yes. Hard to do? Absolutely.
3. I don’t like labels. In fact, Aspie or Aspergers or Autism just seem silly to me. It is as broad of a spectrum as the human race. But just as you could analyze and figure out how someone with one brain ‘type’ operates, you can analyze how an aspie type operates. They call it stimming, or having a meltdown or numerous other terms. But when those moments happen it is because an aspie is in overload. They have reached their max. Imagine your spirit/soul having a horribly bad sunburn. It hurts to be touched, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to have the air touching it, it hurts for no reason. Touch is bad, even if it is light. Being around people hurts. Having expectations hurts. Having to deal with figuring out what to say so you aren’t misunderstood, and figure out what the other person means, is impossible. You require time to heal away from people. It just ‘hurts’. There isn’t anything weak about it.
I have sucked it up plenty of times. I have gone to parties, or let someone come over, or dealt with a problem (because I am an adult and need to fulfill my responsibilities), which in essence felt like giving someone a hug when you have said sunburn. They hug you like normal and you can barely breath it hurts so bad, but you smile like it didn’t. Because they simply don’t know and you decided you needed to be brave and deal with the hurt for some greater cause. But you aren’t going to be able to be brave forever. If you run away and hide people probably are going to mislabel why or come up with crazy theories. If you are brave enough to figure out how to tell them they probably will not understand. Because lets face it- Unless your spirit has had a sunburn before you just won’t know how it feels.
4. There is a big time pride in your heart for making breakthroughs and helping people. In those moments you don’t crash into an unseen behavioral wall and land on  your butt and look like an idiot, but instead make a push beyond what others understand to raise awareness for something, you can be extremely happy. You helped! In that moment, none of the pain from before is there. You forget all the sunburnt, fall off the train, self hate feelings of ‘Why the crap am I not normal?’ and you believe in yourself. You feel you are contributing. Because you ARE. Life hurts. It sometimes hurts worse in some ways for some people. It may make more sense in some areas for other people. But we all are bumping and crashing and surviving and trying to make ourselves and others happy. Which leads me to the best thing of all. Number five.
5. Being an aspie doesn’t mean I am alone. An aspie is just like everyone else. They feel more of some things, they see less than some others. They analyze until their hearts bleed and their minds collapse. They love with more power than the universe. They can try fiercely to hide or get angry to protect themselves. Because, lets face it, this world is scary and painful and to feel you are alone and messing up can make us tremulous. But every time an aspie or a neurotypical person feels those feelings and tries anyway, loves anyway, keeps being seen anyway, or believes in themselves: They are BRAVE!

In depth look into my mind

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Stories
Tags: , , , ,



1 Describe your personality.: Loving, intense, passionate, driven, analytical, fierce, loyal, Fighter, anomaly.
2 Define what beauty means to you.: That symmetry and emotion that is evoked by something we perceive that changes our perception to a peaceful and enlightened state of being
3 Describe your current appearance.: Low key. T shirt, white shorts
4 Describe your appearance overall.: I look like the Gwendolyn. can stand out or blend in. Depends what I am going for
5. Live with ______ in your heart.: Faith. If faith is in your heart then there is hope in every moment
6 Inner peace comes one step at a time. Name a step.: Looking vertically for answers and not horizontally
G. Think about or dream up your significant other. Describe their aura.: Temperment even. Rough and solid exterior. Brilliant beauty beyond the wall. Stable. Firm. Empathetic. Driven. Passionate
8. Name a pet peeve.: Not showing respect. People who claim to be self righteous.
9. Find your perfect place. Describe it.: A house overlooking the coast. In ground pool. Herbal Garden. Large library with a fireplace. Serene. Room to be active, practice krav magga and also room to be peaceful and study or listen to music. Of course all of this surrounded by my loved ones makes it PERFECT
10 What is the relationship like with your friends?: A relationship of trust, lack of judgment, honesty, blunt, and the willingness to be spontaneous, adventure through life and always be there for each other.
11 What is tragedy to you?: Rape. Cruelty. People losing hope.
12 What value do you believe in most?: Loyalty
13 Look into your own eyes for a second. What do you see?: I see sadness, the real me, and happiness all rolled together. 
14 What was your first infatuation like?: Like you couldn’t see the entire world when their face and soul came into your head. The whole world disappeared and it was only them
15 Describe your smile.: brings out all the joy in my soul
B Who or what do you live for?: . The means to make my mark on life. Make others happy, enforce justice, be true to myself, give my kids a wonderful life.
1G Describe your family.: Quarky, very loving, close, driven, very intelligent
18 Define music.: Emotions language
19 What’s your biggest wish?: To make a difference, to travel the entire world, to make friends with souls like mine, to keep beauty alive or revive it.
20 What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life?: We are all in this together-alone. That horrible things happen even to good people. That God is more liberal in his thinking than man gives him credit for. That I love and miss God more than I ever thought possible. That I have a lot more fighting and changing to do!
21 What do you hope for?: i hope for that moment where instead of my heart yearning for that place it loves and desires that it will live there permanently. That a soul will desire me and welcome me
22 What virtue do you believe in most?: Honesty. Lies ruin all good around them. Not worth it.
23 What or who would you give up everything for?:My kids, my family, my friends I have CHOSEN to love come what may. I would give up everything to keep those I love happy and safe.
24 Live to ______.: Help others. Live to learn. Live to keep hope alive. Live to leave behind a legacy of greatness. Live so that people will say “I know I am loved and wanted and can do anything because I knew her spirit”.
25 What’s the most important lesson /anyone/ should learn?: That we NEVER know it all and we should never ever judge another soul.
26 Name a destination you want to arrive to.: My masters or PHD, black belt in Krav Maga, and to watch my kids be successful
2G Look up towards the sky. What word comes to your mind?: Possibilities. Here.
28 Define love.: a deep, all encompassing state of being which enlivens your entire being so you would do anything for that soul. It is complete respect, admiration, desire, sacrifice, devotion
29 What’s the best advice you can give the generation of tomorrow?: always keep fighting. Even when the emotional pain is so deep all you can do to breath is force your heart to pump painfully.. Keep enduring & fighting. Legends are made from you
30 Define life.: That great adventure to become a God/Goddess. To BECOME your potential for the eternities. To choose through no immediate rewards if your heart loves and seeks light and truth but to do good even if it is unenforcable
31 What’s the best way to describe how you love as an individual?: all encompassing, solid, never changing, watchful, willing to sacrifice for, forever
32 Assuming you believe in Destiny, what do you fear your Destiny might be?: die young
? 33 Assuming you believe in Destiny, what Destiny are you hoping for?: Grow old with a wonderful family with enough money to travel and write and photograph all I see.
34 Some people plan their future. Have you planned yours out?: I cannot be so ignorant as to know the future. But I do know we are meant to stand in the right places at the right times and act in the moment
35 If so, what are you planning?: I am fully planning on keeping my eyes open to the things that matter and acting with all the courage and hope in my heart
36 What are you striving for?: Completeness and courage
3G Do you honestly think you’ll accomplish your goal?: With all my heart, mind, and soul that is what I am about
38 Define emotion.: Powerful tides that can enrich or rule us. Deep. Powerful.
39 Assuming you are, how are you unique?: I am unique by the simple fact I am not common or easily understood.
40 What makes you a leader or follower?: I am a leader. I choose to engage and not be cared for. I take life by the reigns. I am an alpha female of sorts. I take charge and demand results. I like people knowing they are ok when I am around.
41 Define home.: Home is where your heart returns to for safety and peace. may not be a place. It is with loved one. Whether in this world or the connection to the next
42 How is your relationship with strangers?: I respect them and watch their souls very very carefully. I rarely trust quickly
43 Define poetry.: Words that hold power and weave themselves to the expression of mystery
44 Define indulgence.: craving without temperance or regard. Relaxing into pleasure
43 Do you have religious faith?: absolutely. I describe it as more spiritual however
45 Assuming you do, describe it.: Organization that leads us to a means to use spirituality in a more broad sense. Connection to higher power, God.
46 Define determination.: an eye single to a goal and nothing wavering to achieve that end.
4G Define fear.: an emotion in the mind designed to halt action and a trigger for the stumbling of the soul
48 What do you fear most?: spiders and being trapped.
49 Why?: Because they tear me down in quiet moments and bring me to dark places
50 Define romance.: Being swept away in a whirlwind of emotion often confused with that feeling of ‘home’. a connection on the deepest level
51 Define romantic. Thoughtful gestures. Focus. Remembering. Keepsakes.
52 Learn from ______.: The past and from people. Watch both carefully and plan accordingly
53 Know that ______.: You are never alone. Sometimes the way gets dark. In those moments remember the stars are still real and shining. Your star watches you. Have faith. 
54 Remind yourself to ________.: Work hard alone. Your audience is not others on earth. They are thousands of anxious eyes waiting for you to continue their work from the heavens. Work hard and honor them
55 What keeps people from appreciating life?: The unwillingness to sacrifice ourselves in the moment. We feel that it is bad to let go of our feelings. But this is what makes way for us to see real life
56 Mistakes are ________.: just that. pitfalls in life. Pick yourself up and dont beat yourself up. You are still on the right track if you are focused on looking the right way
5G Define peace.: still waters
58 Define your past.: Tragic. Full of learning. Full of happiness and triumphs and full of sorrow.
59 Define courage.: Feel the fear and do it anyway
60 What’s the biggest fear you’ve overcome?: Moving on…
61 Define your country’s history.: Fighting for freedom and equallity
62 What are you currently feeling?: Exaustion
63 Define your life. (Your life specifically.):Drama. comedy. Horror. Intrigue. mystery. crime. Chick Flick. Romantic. I lead a full life.
64 How do you see the world?: I am a realist with a slight tilt towards optimism.
65 How do you wish you saw the world?: I wish I saw it with less pain
66 How would you like to live?: with a tad more money 😉 kehe
6G Define humanity [as in people, not compassion].: Humanity on a whole is the same as a person. Good, bad, the light and dark. and all moving together learning unity
68 Why do you think that word has two completely different meanings?: I dont think they do. I think you are referrring to the light and dark side
69 Define cecity.: The state of being blind or lacking sight
G0 Are you a controlled person?: Disciplined. Follow the wind, wild hearted.
G1 If not, why not? If so, why?: Not because I am free. No boundaries. I dont do things that enslave me and I avoid places that will be with people who attempt to tame me or control me. I recognize the value of duty, and self sacrifice, and discipline however. I war between these two
G2 Do you recognize when you get out of hand?: Absolutely. That requires regrouping.
G3 What influences you to get out of hand?: agitation if I am around unhealthy, absuive people. Passive Agressive people….short term I can handle almost anything. If I am in a prolonged situation I will definitly start breaking apart.
G4 What do you usually do?: Get into crazy/dangerous situations which is great if its for a career not so much if its solo
G5 And then what do you do to cope?: ah, well that is the trick isn’t it? I usually disapear and get back my even temperment
G6 How do you deal with things generally?: Evenly and logically. Take it one step at a time. I typically will figure people out and give a great deal of empathy. If however I notice any deceit, or lack of trying or growth I will usually clamp back down HARD on my logic.
GG What angers you most?: people forcing their will on others, people showing disrespect, people hurting innocent people or children
G8 What saddens you most?: Being left behind.
G9 What gladdens you most?: mattering and being remembered. Seeing others be happy.
80 Which value of yours keeps you alive?: Faith
81 Which goal of yours keeps you alive?: To help others!!!
82 Life is tricky. What’s the biggest obstacle you’ve encountered?: The worst in human nature.
83 Have you ever experienced any major tragedy?: Yes. a few.
84 What was it?: That will not be spoken of here. 
85 What did it feel like?: It felt like absolute panick stricken terror. LIke I wanted to rip my heart out of my being and stop it from assaulting me. Like there was no light left
86 Are you an introvert or extrovert?: A private introverted extrovert.
8G Why?: Because I am fully capable of acting and instigating anything needed but I typically want to be doing my own thing.
88 As silly as it sounds, do you hide from yourself?: Not at all. I find that is what dangerous action leads to such desperate people
89 Some people do. Why, do you think?: because it requires change and courage and people want to hide in fake happiness for as long as possible. screw the consequences
90 What’s one of the biggest issues you’re going through currently?: Duty vs Happiness. Blending the two. Money 😛 root of all evil
91 Do you think Fantasy has anything to do with reality?: Yes it does. It sometimes explains reality in ways that keeps hope alive. Art.
92 Magic happens every day. What have you seen that’s magical?: I see something magical as often as I truly look for it. 
93 Overall, what do you believe in?:I believe I am a daughter of God. I believe the world is full of truth and beauty. I believe good is stronger than evil. I believe in God. I believe in myself.
94 Choose a stereotype that best fits you.: I havn’t ever thought of myself in those terms
95 Why did you choose it?: Because I just break so many norms that I guess I am just different
96 What defines your beauty as an individual?: My soul.
9G Why do you or don’t you believe in equality?: I believe in fair rights. Not equal rights. Who wants to be the same when there are beautifully different roles?
98 Who are you biast against? Be honest.: I am biased againt people I know who I have seen in action. They could have changed but I wont ever believe they have. I also typically don’t believe people when they say they will stay my friend. I know I shouldn’t but I wait to watch them prove it and just expect them to eventually leave for some reason.
99 Define proof.: The evidence or argument that compels the mind to accept an assertion as true
100 In one word…who are you?: Gwendolyn 🙂