Posts Tagged ‘Poetry’

I was the clue

Posted: May 28, 2014 in Poetry
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They tore it down.
The world I loved.
There was no reason for it, not really. There was hate built around fear and anger around injustice to ideas.
It turned friends into enemies and gave amnesia to love.
It hit me over the head so hard I forgot where I lived and what it felt like to sit down with tea and overlook the river.
They lied.
They burned every journal and every word I had written
Gossiped a new history, wrote it down in gold
Shaking their heads they said I should have gone, I did not belong.
They whitewashed their hands in the river of blood
They were blinded and saw only a flash flood
It was hard to move on when the stories were told
Haunting
I did not recognize
They painted my picture and believed it was me.
A picture of Everest trying to be passed off as a tree.
Incredulous face
same newer streets
I sat down with chai and thought about how I should meet
a new person
An old friend
A busy port
a connection again.
All the streets signs wrote lies and only I knew
If a soul ever met me anew
I would be living in an old world
and they in the new.
I wonder which world could possibly be true.
Just like that I was foreign
My face broken and blue
It would turn peach and olive in hue
however they had torn it apart that day.
I was hiding the only clue.

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I was waiting for something.
The void was screaming at me
But refused to move closer.
I stood
At the edge
Began to climb down the jagged rocks
Precarious and foolishly
With no vision of where I was going.
Only that I had to move.
The void doesn’t scream for no reason.
It is primal.
It is deafening.
It is foreign.
My soul craved to touch the understanding of it
to bask in the light of no screams.
It came without ever moving an inch.
Turns out it was waiting for me to come.
I never arrived anywhere, it never moved either.
Slowly my journey over ledges led me to a place of stillness.
Where people, who stood, without speaking, smiled at me
And understood me.
I never smiled.
Sitting down, pulling my knees up with my arms resting atop
I looked down at the reflection of a quiet river
It had swallowed up the screams with the eyes of the travelers
There is no reason to scream to the lost after they are found.
It came…the smile inside me.

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You know, the world has become a fairly messed up place. Violence, dishonesty, manipulation, power hungry, isolation at a core level, families broken, etc. I use the term fairly in the loosest possible way. I, in literal terms, mean that the human race has been degenerating socially. We make incredible strides in technology but don’t use it to help the human race but to build empires and powerful companies. We use our brilliance and every novel idea to ensure our families stability and wealth. Even within the wave of the new world religions and spiritualists, there is this idea of the law of attraction which is used to change our own lives, gain whatever our heart desires, and explain away suffering as another persons’ fault (shortcoming of their ability to control their thoughts/energy). Always people are a step away, an explanation away. We try to control ourselves and better ourselves with no responsibility for those around us. Our justice is still mostly enacted without internalizing forgiveness or expecting an elevated inner responsibility to rehabilitate our neighbors, friends, community from the problems that causes the malfunction to begin with.
Then here comes Austism. Not just another spiritual sickness like depression, bipolar disorder, etc which holds its own incorrect labels and judgements but a different neurology. It cannot even be categorized simply but holds many different facets, dimentions, and expressions on a neurological level. The world again tries to take the outward symptoms and classify it away in the DSM models as a sickness or a disease or a malfunction of some sort. This is where the world is horribly wrong.
The 21rst century, accross the globe, is primarily neurotypical. There are pockets of places that express and live based off of a slightly different model but primarily life runs the same way. As a whole we can see each country like an organ in the earth body. Each has a different place, a different function but we are all connected and all fairly similar in makeup. We are all on planet earth. We are all human. But we do not all perceive and internalize the same way. Those with Aspergers/austism are like stem cells. They are highly specialized souls that don’t operate like every other cell they are around. But if given the chance can be inserted anywhere and enact great healing. They weren’t made to be like every other cell. If they are seen as hostile or foreign or broken they will always be rejected and no good can take place. But imagine the good that they can do if allowed to stay.
The other day, my son was watching spy kids (the one with Jessica Alba) and the dad got angry that Jessica Alba’s character had hidden that she was a spy in their marriage. My son makes me stop the movie and demands to understand this scene.
“why did she lie? good guys don’t lie”
“why did he hurt her? if he loves her he shouldn’t have put his hurt before her needs”
“why do good people do bad things? doesn’t that make them a ‘bad’ guy”?
There were a million questions like this all centered around one key idea. What separates bad people from good people that make bad choices or simply accidentally make a mistake that hurts someone? My answer? It is in the intentions. The key to all of life is in intentions. If one makes a mistake and they try to repair it, they are still a good person. If a person intends to do something bad because they rationalize inside of their head that it is justified they can still be a good person but they have an error to correct INSIDE. And of course a truly bad person is someone who intends hard, no matter how much they rationalize it or not, but they never intend to fix it. Their hearts have slammed shut for whatever reason and they just don’t care about another person anymore. Their ideas and feelings have become too powerful to allow themselves to care and now they are part of what is destroying humanity. One person at a time. One person gets sacrificed because someone is too angry, too hurt, their ideas need defending too fiercely, etc. My son KNOWS on a deep level that this interaction (that is seen as so normal and healthy) is in fact destructive. He knows a better way. He is trying to come up with a better way. I can teach him that this is just how it is. People need time to explode, get angry and walk away. OR I can teach him a better way to deal with anger betrayal, not having to hide or lie, and repairing friendships when flaws do come up. He is only five and he knows this is possible. Not easy but possible.
I love and hate this wonderful quote:
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I love how it teaches one to invest their mind deeper than gossip. Be a part of this human world, do not simply attack and demean others. When you see a flaw in someone (every person has them) don’t pass this information along and tear them down. If you see a leader with his shoes untied don’t make fun of it and ignore all the good he is doing. Take responsibility for helping uplift humanity and their flaws will naturally be left in the dust. We are better than all of that. We HAVE to demand more of ourselves than that. But on another note, People are the most important part of life. Ideas, strongly held beliefs, events in history are all nothing without people. Human beings. If one person is lonely or isolated, they don’t just start to matter when a tv station picks up their story, they don’t start to matter when someone starts to bully them, they don’t start to matter when they snap and inflict violence on victims. The fact is THEY matter. We need people who see that life itself matters. Souls matter. Standing against bullying is a powerfully good goal but a far better goal is uplifting the lonely and different. A far better goal than fighting against bad is fighting to include those who are trying to fit in.
Autism is a spectrum disorder (I use disorder very very lightly because I don’t actually view it as that). It is a spectrum of those who shut down with all the stimuli of the world. They might be affected so heavily that they can’t use their senses correctly. It breaks their precious souls because it hits them too hard, too fast, and they aren’t able to keep up. A person on the spectrum can be high functioning and have SPD (sensory processing disorder) where they either seek additional input to feel calm or they run from it to feel calm. Aspergers affects some to the point they can’t handle people at all and become reclusive. They break. It affects others to the point it is always a struggle to not succumb to anxiety, depression, social exhaustion, etc. It is a challenge to be sure. But here enters the world again with labels. As if the only way to see the world has to be to label the shortcomings of people. Imagine a world where kids who enter school neurotypical kid was given a label with all of their weaknesses and given a ‘classification’ of how they could never grow up and become ‘normal’. Every teenager would be doomed.
Instead, I like to see ASD as a gift. The world should see its gifts. We all have to learn to work together. There is nothing random about the genetics or the environment bringing about such a high population of those on the spectrum. Autism/Aspergers allows a person to see things very logically. If one does not shut down to all of the feelings they can sense, then they can learn to have an extremely high emotional intelligence that can be passed on to other generations. They can learn to not only read others but read themselves. They can demand more of others and of themselves. Those that work with autistic children know what a challenge and an equal blessing it is. These kids, teenagers, and adults can see the world in a real way, they see beauty deeper, they feel deeper, they can yank humanity from the coma of unconscious action and make it conscious again. It is a choice each individual can make. To see someone unable to function and know internally that it is YOUR time to love them, to shield them, to help them to be free to raise up in strength and succeed. As people do this for others, they will have others do this for them as well.
Irene Gut Opdyke, who wrote the book In My Hands, saved the lives of many Jews during the Holocaust at great risk to her own life. She led a remarkable life and never lost her faith in people. When she moved to America she traveled around the United States sharing what hate does to people and sharing her story. She always started out every lecture with these words…”I am here because I love you”. This is what Autism can do for the world. It is here to help shake us from apathy and our disengaging from others. It is here to rattle the belief that just because something appears broken or flawed that we need to dismiss it, control it, or demand justice for it. It is here to raise humanity to the next level. For those on the spectrum to keep moving forward and loving yourself no matter how overwhelmed your spirit gets. To find peace in the small things and accept who you are. For those whose minds think neurotypically and who feel other challenges every day. To demand more from yourself. To safeguard others, to uplift others, to use your mental strength and grit to be inclusive and show love. Because at the end of the day, what we learn from each other can raise humanity past this roadblock into a more peaceful future. Every difference, every challenge has a beautiful future.
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Caste me away from this island.
Don’t try to seek out my boat.
You assume it sits atop of the ocean,
You can’t possibly know how remote.
Even when my eyes saw the shoreline
My heart felt waves crash upon me
From deep within the swell of far away earth.
Even when you still could have seen me
I was long gone, my heart was morose.
You searched for a holograph image
Of who I was 5 seconds ago,
But you did not feel the earth when you stood
So my pulse could never be heard.
I was deeply embedded in history-
The images, feelings, and waves
Always washed right through every sinew of thought.
If you didn’t follow that video of music
How could you have followed my thought?
Don’t try to follow me from this island
I am already far too long gone.
I rode away one thought at a time,
long before I started to row.

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I snapped.
Today came too quickly.The monotony hit me like a brick wall suddenly jutting up around a bend in the road and travel was the only way to dissolve it. 
My only and last chance to breath was to break free.
It was obvious in that moment that these walls were all wrong.
Erected to lull into a confinement of safety and borders
If you were walking slow you might have missed the energy
The adamantine force that hits you saying “This is so wrong! It does NOT belong.”
How can limiting yourself possibly be right?
Life is a road and a journey 
No man can make a wall and label it a home
No one would believe such a lie if they were on the move
They would run full force into an obstruction
The soul would scream out ‘why?!’
 This didn’t help me on my journey, it is telling me to stop
Get comfy
Rest
It won’t allow me to pass after I settle here
It will surely say “no!”
Safety beyond those walls is not possible it will then say.
One cannot erect a wall and expect it to not desire to stay.
Everything demands a purpose and will fight to prove their way.
So why would making a solid wall in the middle of the road prove wise?

I broke down that wall
I felt the decay
I had to regenerate all my heart walls that day
I paid attention to where the roots grew
I saw what I was made of and what simply would not do.
To my great surprise my home had no walls
Not for shelter
Not within my country
Not within my planet
Not within this solar system
I had no walls
I didn’t need them it turns out
My soul is endless and I do not fear flying deep within the stars
to discover and follow the solar winds of my world 

Gray

Posted: February 18, 2013 in Poetry
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You think you can see something good in the gray.
Yes! There it is, you say…
It is slightly dark out in nowheresville
But “I am a child of different anyway” you say…
I will keep my eyes on the light and go out and adventure
perfectly safe!
I won’t step in the dark, only the gray.
Time flies by with the wind that carried you to investigate
Sounds start to hiss and you get a little burnt
Time to step back in the light and regroup
This gray hue is suffocating the soul desiring to breath light
Yes, it is well time enough to step back in the light.
You jump to get the warmth on your skin 
But you are miles away from where you should have been.
What happened? It was just right there. I never CHOSE to go this far
I never chose to go this far from the light.
I just wanted a bit of grey
So much to learn out here they say!
Pitch black rains down upon the grey
No matter where you walk you cannot find your way
The illusion of the light that you thought you were following
Melted away into a sign that said
You are forgotten
The small flame in your heart can only stay lit for so long
Before it realizes it needs the light to go on
When you are away in the gray when you need to be rekindled
Extreme Danger of becoming the darkness yourself
There is no such thing as safe darkness
there is only light and dark
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Remember

Posted: February 18, 2013 in Poetry
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Written July 21, 2007 *An oldie but a goodie. I reminded myself to remember how i used to feel. It really is a blessing to write down how you feel*

Just remember in the darkest hour
I am standing right by your side
Remember when you dream 
I hold these sacred thoughts protected 
Remember when the sky whirls into a storm
you have someplace to hide
Remember when you think of freedom
How many lives bled out thinking of loved ones
Remember when you see that girl in all black
all those moments you were alone in your own life
Remember when I am in your arms
that my heart is in them too
Remember when you see stars
the majic is the endowment of soulmates and you will fly through them
Remember when you see someone walk away, tearing your heart with each step
that the good can never be wharped or destroyed without our permission
Remember when someone you love dies
that you are the one they live on in
Remember when it is raining
That everyone cries; including the world
Remember when something tuggs at your heartstrings
someone can enter your life depending on where you let the reigns pull you
Remember when you light a candle
that you are lighting a beacon of memories
Remember that the light you shine
Lights my eyes by knowing your soul
Remember to rise to your best every day
because some good needs you to survive
Remember your lovers eyes
for they are your stable home that no one can ever take away
Remember most of all
on the days you want to forget or run away
Just to remember to remember

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Truth takes time.
Have you recognized spies in your pain?
Flash of presence sickens and assaults
Militia of backup in your love
My heart sinks safely into a safe house.
Evil masterfully made me disappear
With the touch of a burning cigarette
Gone 
Handle me with care
People have been running all over me
And i’m raw
Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Does in fact require a goodbye
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Could You?

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Poetry
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*written Feb 4. 2008

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Could you send me back through a picture
To the time and place of our perfect memory
That smile wasn’t fake
And that field was still a field
Tomorrow skids backwards towards the now
That knife doesn’t make me nervous somehow
To fight for dreams
We aren’t given a white chandelier dinner
A walk down red carpet 
To smile and wave as the fireworks of pride grow bigger
The fight is the subtle sacrifice
Of facing fears with fists up
Something more important than fear
And you ignore the chance to run away
Avoiding it with a sigh
Could you please remember how dreams come to be?
So frought with scars
Sacrificing
Another blessing prayed for so long
Turns out to be failure
People laugh
Intelligence mourns
Could you see past all societies expectations?
To avoid the slaughter of the gladiator pit
And chant into the fire of ancient wisdom?
If all your family laughs in your face
If to open the dreamcatcher door of chance
a blade slices open your hand
If after you watch through a peephole
At the cost of your endeavors
And hear of all you still have to pay
Far beyond what has fallen within view
Could you?

Why Can’t I Find you?

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Poetry
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*written March 21, 2010

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Why cant I find you?
Where did you go?
I see your skin
I see your fake smile
But I don’t hear your soul anymore
 There are no signs of life
If You became visible-allowed me to see 
You would be bleeding out 
right in front of me.
All over my life
Blood soaking into my happy moments
Ruining them by the tragedy of letting you die
 I might not ever see the stains
You kept your death so well hidden
Why didn’t you let anyone find you?
Where did you go?