Hey there!

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I am on a journey. One of those journeys apparently many woman are taking, but I thought I was the only one. It has been a common joke in my family that I like to take quiz’s. A joke that in high school I tied for 4 different personalities. I would just highlight the parts of each of them that was right. I would laugh to myself that I would study characters in books and movies I revered and then emulate them; others never did this and I never understood why (always seemed like a wonderful way to understand myself and better my character).
It was always a joke that in junior high i was deemed silly and boy crazy. For years I played this part but I knew deep down it wasn’t me. It wasn’t really truly fake either. I was trying to make people laugh and be happy around me and i had no idea how to feel comfortable unless I made sure they were laughing. So i did crazy things. I over-emphasized normal feelings so that people could have fun. But I knew deep down I was somber, even, and serious minded and not at all boy crazy). Bugged me to be seen as different than that and it took years to break away from people seeing me that way.
I always laughed thinking how many times people said i was lying about something when I told the truth. I just SUCK at telling things in a linear way like people want to believe. I expressed myself emotionally 100% honestly. I abhor to be misunderstood. I WANT everything to stay feeling the same with my friends and family. Just loved and accepted no matter what.
I got depressed when I started realizing that maybe it was all in my head that I was special. Maybe I was just a fake. Maybe I was what everything else saw. But no!!! I am not what people see. I am a million different complex pieces bravely warring to be honest, completely understood, and making others happy. I make mistakes like everyone but I am the most loyal person in the world. When I am someones’ friend I would die for them, live for them, and I would never turn my back on them. What I WILL do is always be pestering them for the truth, trying to get an emotional connection with them. If I feel walls I will push away and hide internally and feel a lot of angst. What I will do is need consistency with friendships. I will need reassurance of my place in their world. What I won’t do is change who I am. Instead I will just disappear and deal with the consequences of gossip.  I grew up understanding many levels of human interaction in great detail thinking I was different spiritually. When in fact I am different neurologically. I am an aspie girl. My brain is wired with a different set of gifts and challenges.
It is because of this that I don’t really fit in. I might be able to do great things but I will also be seen as broken a lot of the time. I won’t get over trauma like others. It hits deep and lasts for years on many more levels than others see or realize. But I am also able to stay more calm and detached in stress than others. I am able to have deep empathy even if I don’t socially interact the same. I DO love people. I do have a great need to be understood. Not even by others around me. But by myself. My bravery isn’t in all the brave acts that people see or the brave acts I do every day. That is only part of it. My bravery is to exert myself into the neurotypical world and hold out as long as I can to help people before I get overloaded and fly back into my corner to decompress and regain my center and deal with the mass amount of information I just received, sort it out, find my place with in it, see what it means for me, for others…deal with the ramifications of intense emotions, meditate, pray, get back to my serenity storm. Laugh a little. Write a lot. Forgive people. Forgive myself. And try again awhile later.
I am grateful I am me. I am just scratching that surface. I did find a magnificent list from Sam Craft. Another lady with aspergers, with a son with aspergers (just like me). Hundreds of people relate to her and what she says. Just like me. Which means I am not alone. I am typical of a non typical woman and I need to embrace and figure out ME. The following is the list she compiled. I will be adding my own reflections on what does and does not pertain to me personally. Every aspie is different. Hopefully if anyone reads this they can either relate a little, learn a little, or understand me a little better. There are a lot more aspie’s out there than anyone thinks. I have to think there is a reason behind all the madness of it 🙂

Suggested Use:Check off all areas that strongly apply to the person. If each area has 75%-80% of the statements checked, or more, then you may want to consider that the female may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Section A: Deep Thinkers

1. A deep thinker: Yes

2. A prolific writer drawn to poetry: Yes

3. Highly intelligent: I like to think so although the more you know the more you realize you know nada. I am therefore a savant at knowing I am ignorant.

4. Sees things at multiple levels including thinking processes: aboslutely. And quickly.

5. Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything continually: All the time.

6. Serious and matter-of-fact in nature: very much although I am blessed to be lighthearted and fun natured when I am away from pressure and stress.

7. Doesn’t take things for granted: Nope. I am constantly on a deep level ‘feeling’ grateful and feeling a grave necessity NOT to take things for granted because everything can be lost in the blink of an eye. literally.

8. Doesn’t simplify: Nope. Very hard for me to do that. I do organize though. I call it putting simple on a complex level into easy to read manuals.

9. Everything is complex: absolutely

10. Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out: No one has told me I have a blank stare although I do go into my own zone. I know now socially how to pull myself out of it or just manage to look ‘aloof’ when I do this.

Section B: Innocent

1. Naïve: Used to be VERY much. I never understood growing up how people could be so mean or hurtful. threw me for a tailspin for years and years and years.

2. Honest: To a fault. I saw lies burn up my world when I tried to express my truths in a non truthful way. NEVER again would I allow myself to lie. In fact, it hurts me on a DEEP level whenever lies start to come around me. I can’t handle fractured realities.

3. Experiences trouble with lying: Yep. Powerful lesson to overcome in my youth.

4. Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty: Logically I totally get it. On every other level I don’t at all. In fact, I tend to not forgive people their passive aggressive actions that are disloyal even though society deems it ok. I get fiercely rigid against it. I don’t tolerate it at all.

5. Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation: Ya I don’t get it at all.

6. Easily fooled and conned: Yep used to be. Unless I train myself in logic of a scenario and can read it logically I can be fooled by it still. Good thing I made it my career to study this stuff.

7. Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed: Oh very much. I call it in cycles. I will be on my A game and really I could do the work of 20 people combined and then I will hit my limit and withdraw big time in massive overwhelming feelings. Like my compartmentalization doesn’t have breathing holes.

8. Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet: I always say I wasn’t meant to stay here.

9. Feelings of isolation: Big time. always have. doubt that will ever change.

10. Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone: I never complained or cried. I was safe at home. beyond that and trying massive avoidance techniques I never would have thought to have done more than that. Simple soldier on.

Section C: Escape and Friendship

1. Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action: absolutely

2. Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects: I can study a topic so completely it is ridiculous. Want a professional on a subject? get me hooked and give me a computer for 24 hours and you have your woman.

3. Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming: I have one heck of an imagination. truth. Why I love sci fi.

4. Escapes through mental processing: absolutely!!I live in my head. analyzing.

5. Escapes through the rhythm of words: Words are glorious. Without them I don’t know where I would be.

6. Philosophizes continually: If that isn’t obvious…

7. Had imaginary friends in youth: Yep! I named her Alma. Which funnily enough means soul in spanish. i told her all my philosophies and thoughts and everything all day when I had no friends and had to keep busy. Ide just walk and explore all through recess talking and playing. Never sad because I always had my own happy world. No matter how many bullies abounded, I was happy.

8. Imitates people on television or in movies: Well duh!! They show hero’s and amazing characters. If I can’t impliment what I see…what good are the characters they play?

9. Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students,” “consumers,” “soldiers.”: This actually not so much. I saw them as friends or as people who hated me. No inbetween. I didn’t actually over analyze why or what made friends. I just lived in my world and tried to protect my feelings when I was hurt.

10. Makes friends with older or younger females: Much older. Sadly though they rarely felt the same for me as I did for them. But I only felt comfortable around older girls. they thought deeper and had steadier emotions.

11. Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, and manner: Nah, Hence why i never fit in. i finally found a way to be me in a way people accepted. But kinda like the caterpillar being hated until it was a butterfly i never cared when people thought I was pretty. I was ALWAYS pretty. to recognize it because I was socially what they wanted was and still is silliness to me.

12. Obsessively collects and organizes objects: I collected coins for a long time. Now I collect music, art, and photographs.

13. Mastered imitation: Very much. i know how to put on a good face even if I am screaming inside to go and hide away by myself.

14. Escapes by playing the same music over and over: yeah, drives some people crazy. good thing my son enjoys it now too 🙂

15. Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real): Yep I get lost in romances. They consume me. In fact I gave many people WAY more credit than they should have had.

16. Numbers bring ease: Yep. i hate applying math but I LOVE numerology and I see rythems and sequences constantly.

17. Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging: Yep, if i look like i am very patient it is because I am counting to 1000 in my head…literally.

18. Escapes into other rooms at parties: or out windows…whatever works.

19. Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts: a big problem. a real problem.

20. Everything has a purpose: every little last thing.

Section D: Comorbid Attributes

1. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder): I definitly have parts of this yes. I can’t STAND certain things. They just rub me wrong and I can’t handle it. I am actually getting worse the older I get.

2. Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste): big time. Growing up I couldn’t wear jeans. WAY too uncomfortable. I couldn’t stand sounds sometimes. Changes with the day. but I can get into overload fast. OR i can require extra stimulation and adrenaline to keep sane. That is why i was good at security work. Some of my happiest times were tackling people or shooting on the range or dealing with a fight.

3. Generalized Anxiety: absolutely. I always had a ‘reason’ for it. but i definitly struggle with anxiety especially when I feel I am in ‘trouble’.

4. Sense of pending danger or doom: ayup! again I have reasons I feel but maybe they hit me harder than others? I dunno.

5. Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive): oh I for sure am very sensitive in my own way. but only when I let someone in. If I havn’t let you in, you are never going to bug me. ever.

6. Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination: actually I am super coordinated but I am double jointed.

7. Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten: I am picky about what I eat and usually am a health nut.

8. Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues: any stress i have I feel in my stomach!

9. Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges: ayup!!! body aches!! ouch!!!!

10. Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with other mental illness and/or labeled hypochondriac: I might have been because every time i expressed myself in my studies I would be misunderstood so I just stopped and gave the acceptable answer. I knew they were wrong if they went that direction. I was blest with a strong sense of self.

11. Questions place in the world: oh all the time.

12. Often drops small objects: I actually might…my phone has amazing abilities at falling….

13. Wonders who she is and what is expected of her: ALL THE TIME!!

14. Searches for right and wrong: all the time!

15. Since puberty, has had bouts of depression: yep!!

16. Flicks/rubs fingernails, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, and/or clears throat often: Funny to mention that…I sleep with my hand tucked between my legs. always have. (apparently I am normal wierd) and I do sign language to myself and tap my fingers to keep my thoughts ordered. I think in pictures sometimes and they fly by like a fast paced flashback in a movie and I can feel VERY VERY…whats the word?…Tunnel vision? overwhelmed…wanting to talk in pictures…shutdown mode…people say I have big eyes and they can’t read me at all when I am like this. I just get very intense and try to draw it all in and then try to drown it back to normal with music or with intense physical exertion.

Section E: Social Interaction

1. Friends have ended friendship suddenly and without person understanding why: ALL my life. Still would love to know why….because to me a friend is forever. even if they bug me. I talk and yell it out and it is over.

2. Tendency to over-share: yeah about that…i never know til AFTER and then I am all sorts of agitated for days. NOT a big fan.

3. Spills intimate details to strangers: used to. not anymore. but I trained myself big time. although…if I think I will never see them again I am much more prone to tell a stranger than a friend…usually…

4. Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class: I was known as being quiet til I started a debate…

5. Little impulse control with speaking when younger: ayup!

6. Monopolizes conversation at times: i think so? I try not to…

7. Bring subject back to self: i tend to draw from what i know. I try never to interrupt but that would be a learned trait. not something that came naturally at

8. Seems at times as narcissistic and controlling. (Is not narcissistic.) oh gosh I hope not! I am told I run things very organized but no one has said I am controlling. I DO like things my way a lot…

9. Shares in order to reach out: This could be in bold!!! THIS IS HOW I REACH OUT ABSOLUTELY.

10. Sounds eager and over-zealous at times: I am ridiculously excited over things I feel passionate about.

11. Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside: Til I write…or I explode.

12. Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly.”: Yep!!! because I never seem to be understood very well. And I am a pretty good communicator I think. But what do I know? I know all the rules but can’t seem to socially relate them unless I am writing.

13. Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest: I am constantly thinking about romance. Because I swear I am indoctrinated by disney.

14. Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, and posture in conversation: Used to be. Now I know exactly what is expected and can perform it perfectly. It expresses how I sincerely feel so that is fine. But I think it is a joke I have to ‘act’ a certain way just to be accepted. Why can’t I just smile and act like a goof and be loved? pft.

15. Conversation can be exhausting: In person, with someone I don’t know very well? absolutely. I can only handle so much of that. if I have a good friend and can just be myself and not worry about all the hidden thoughts and feelings…then i am very happy

16. Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually: yep!! I also tend to not be very forgiving when people lie emotionally, use people, act like they like me when they don’t, etc…hate it!!

17. Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-“filter”: nah…I feel i have it in hyperdrive and others just aren’t as opaquely honest.

18. Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people: yep! and through trial and error. when i had that burning in my chest because I was sincere and it was received badly and it hurt me.

19. Visualizes and practices how she will act around others: In big scenarios yes. Otherwise, I just put up my walls and increase my reserves and go be brave.

20. Practices in mind what she will say to another before entering the room: Sometimes. In big situations.

21. Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others: I don’t just talk. I can sense what i am saying. how it will be perceived. how i feel. what i mean. what they mean. what they aren’t telling me. how they are interacting with me. How we fit into a room. how others are perceiving us. How i perceive them. etc etc…It is exhausting.

22. Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situations: I know what is expected. I feel like I am hiding inside because if I broke from what socially is required I would be judged. it would hurt so I don’t deviate. If I do deviate it is by disappearing.

23. Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, or different from others: Oh I am totally wierd 🙂

24. As a child, it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk: Ya I think I just talked and talked without understanding when to shuttup.

25. She finds norms of conversation confusing: Yep!

Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

1. Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house: if I am in overload mode YES. If I can go with friends and have an adventure I am the most adventurous person ever.

2. One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat: If they aren’t a friend I get panicky.

3. Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety: Yep!

4. Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar: Certain ones absolutely.

5. Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up: yes sometimes actually. Worse now that I have kids. I feel more responsible than being carefree ol me.

6. All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about: Not true actually. Unless I am in overload mode. Then yes.

7. She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments: Yep!

8. Question next steps and movements continually: When stressed.

9. Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk doesn’t often alleviate anxiety: Yep!!!! I HAVE to positive talk myself.

10. Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind: Well, not really…knowing I don’t have any obligations and I am free makes me feel peace.

11. Requires a large amount of down time or alone time: yep!!!!

12. Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest: yep. because people are judgmental 😉

13. Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms: no actually.

14. Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, or crowded theater: no actually. I feel much more hidden and safe IN a crowd.

Section G: Sensitive

1. Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep: Yep!!!

2. Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort: Yep!!! I can’t sleep well with pants on. big time no no.

3. Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature: Yeah, my dreams need to take a chill pill

4. Highly intuitive to others’ feelings: Yep!!!

5. Takes criticism to heart: Oh criticism is EXTREMELY hard to deal with for me unless given with love. But it will stay with me on a deeper level for a much longer time than most.

6. Longs to be seen, heard, and understood: Oh so much!

7. Questions if she is a “normal” person: Yep. i’m not. 😉

8. Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions: Unfortunately…

9. At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words: See I DON”T. hence why people think I am obstinate, stubborn, and headstrong. or wierd or don’t follow rules etc…

10. Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily: I see my limitations very keenly. If others mention them it makes them that much more poignant. hard for me to accept myself.

11. Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work: Um ya! especially when I know how much work and effort I put into it.

12. Views many things as an extension of self: Yep!! of course it is a part of me. I DID it.

13. Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment: Yeah I do.

14. Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people: Yeah. If you want to see a fierce person try to hurt someone around me.

15. Collects or rescues animals. (often in childhood) Yep. Much to my parents’ chagrin

16. Huge compassion for suffering: very much!!!

17. Sensitive to substances. (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, etc.): Ya I need to be careful with what I put in my body.

18. Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action: yep! I care about people.

19. Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person: yep!! always!!

20. Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts: always!

Section H: Sense of Self

1. Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in: Yep!!! although moreso I mourn not fitting in and remain myself and try to keep my self esteem high.

2. Imitates others without realizing: I imitate very much on purpose.

3. Suppresses true wishes: all the time. I put others above me

4. Exhibits codependent behaviors: I definitly think I do. despite how independant I am i desire a stable person to be around big time.

5. Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule: Yep!!!!!

6.  Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms: Big time reject them.

7. Feelings of extreme isolation: yep!! extreme is a good word

8. Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work: yep!!!

9. Switches preferences based on environment and other people: Yep. I love so many things in this world. i find my favorites no matter where I go. I have to have ambiance in my settings.

10. Switches behavior based on environment and other people: I will tone down my behavior to try to fit in but I won’t stop completely. I might try if someone asks me too but I will end up becoming more rigid in who I am and get fiercely protective of myself and angry at being forced to be fake.

11. Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her: I was a total tomboy who loved my own style. I loved MY style. NOT true girlee things. To this day I do like some girlee things but i am more like a guy.

12. “Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later: ya, I have my freak out moments but I always know why I am freaking out. There is always a reason. I am good at identifying.

13. Young sounding voice: I think so?

14. Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces): actually I don’t know. i see in visual and tend to think I remember people but who knows…

Section I: Confusion

1. Had a hard time learning others are not always honest: Very much.

2. Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable. (self’s and others’): Oh not at all. I get them. What is confusing is why people cover up and lie and hide.

3.  Confuses appointment times, numbers, or dates: yes I SUCK at this!!!!!!

4. Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest: WHICH I CAN”T HANDLE!!!! It literally is soemthign I CAN”T handle.

5. Spoke frankly and literally in youth. I still do!! I never got sarcasm. now I use it but only when I am mad.

6. Jokes go over the head: sometimes yep!

7. Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray: Yeah, I am always the last to expect betrayal. it sucks.

8. Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme: I have trouble expressing less than extreme. I can’t talk about feelings usually until they become so bad I have no choice but to.

9. Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike: hard to feel them.

10. Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her. yep!! I rarely will lash out at them because I can feel their underlying hurt or their reasons and I feel compassion for them.but then I feel lost because I have been hurt.

11. Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity. nah, i am good with all those.

12. Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white. i tend to be rigid. I can see and feel all of it but then I expect them to do the same and realize that their behavior isn’t ok. I shouldn’t be the only one sacrificing their feelings for what is right. I tend to get angry at peoples’ ineptness.

13. The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood. (All or nothing mentality) yeah I tend to gravitate towards this quickly.

14. A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world: nah. like i said. I want it to be over and done with and stay friends.

15. A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss: Well yah! compliments make my heart happy.

Section J: Words and Patterns

1. Likes to know word origins: yep!! I study them often.

2. Confused when there is more than one meaning to a word: not confused. It makes me delve in even more deeply.

3. High interest in songs and song lyrics: very much!!!

4. Notices patterns frequently: all the time! I find peace in patterns.

5. Remembers things in visual pictures: I think in pictures.

6. Remembers exact details about someone’s life: Yep!! i memorize what people say, do, feel and I remember. that is why I can’t stand hypocrisy.

7. Has a remarkable memory for certain details: yep! I am a detail bank.

8. Writes or creates to relieve anxiety: absolutely!

9. Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words: Yep!!!

10. Words bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship: true!!

(Optional) Executive Functioning   This area isn’t always as evident as other areas

1. Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship: I always said that was depression. but ya

2. Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome: nope.

3. New places offer their own set of challenges. I find peace in new places.

4. Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic: Nope. i thrive in these situations.

5. The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety: sometimes yes.

6. Mundane tasks are avoided. no

7. Cleaning may seem insurmountable at times. yes. I hate my car 😛

8. Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task. I ask 8 quadrillion questions constantly.

9. Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia: haha nope…not that I know of.

10. A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming. yes! But only with kids 😉

11. Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class. Nope. I am an ace at dance 🙂 and love me some kickboxing and krav

12. Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house, but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are: yep! nothing drives me more crazy than keys or phones or such going missing.

This list was compiled after nine years of readings, research, and experience associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. More information can be found at http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com © Everyday Aspergers, 2012 This non-official checklist can be printed for therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, professors, teachers, and relatives, if Samantha Craft’s name and contact information remain on the print out.

Hope you guys enjoyed. I enjoyed :)~

There have been some powerful changes in the world. They are rising up in individual lives. They are politically driven by countries. They get entangles in alliances, propoganda, and misleading words. But then again some people have it very clear. I see plenty of unrest in the United States. I see it in Egypt. I see it in Venezuela. I see it in Africa. I see it many many places. But I see more good than bad. I see despite all the chaos all the intelligence, all the drive, all the heartfelt drive to make a change for the better. Humanity deserves it.
Watch what a young man already knows and how his belief has met action: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=522902857777244&set=vb.152196238181243&type=2&theater

We are a seed. An embryo of the universe. When you feel as if you are being buried alive, only darkness weighing in on you, no light…remember that is how you will grow. You are planted and it is up to you to fight through that darkness pulling all the good you can from the nutrients that abound to reach for the light. Every day. Reach up. Fight for it. Don’t find reasons to be happy to stay where you are. You are meant to blossom and soon enjoy sunlight every day all day. You fight to bloom by reaching up for the light.

It is not a one step process to get results but you indeed are growing and every bit of water, everything you need for life is there for you. Grow where you are planted. Be the alchemist of your life. Have you ever considered how your mood affects others? How your energy either adds or decreases the battle for someone else? How woman’s’ menstrual cycles themselves will change and adjust to becoming similar when they live together? What force causes a change strong enough to affect the cycle of life themselves? We affect each other. In a real way, down to our very core. But down at the core where that change takes place you will not find anything shallow or halfway there. No shallow feeling, no halfway knowledge, no tentative position will have any strength to make a change.

Find what motivates you. Dig deeper. Reside deeper. And go and change the world ❤

independance day now 005_edited

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The law of Attraction was a powerful message. One that slightly overreached its bounds. Yes it is an eternal law that ‘like attracts like”. We have a chemistry and power that is only spiritually discerned and yes, it is a power. However, it is not the ONLY law at work.
1. All by itself this wonderful delineation (of how to attract better thought patterns and a better life for yourself) strays into hedonism. Pain=bad Pleasure=good. It goes so far as to say that anyone who experiences bad is the primary person at fault (the person starting the ripples of human action) because they attracted it by their fears, dreams, thoughts, etc…
The Situations that they cite are wonderful examples of how our attitudes towards others can change our experience. If we send out love most of the time others will respond similarly. It is the mirroring of another, stronger soul. If the person doesn’t change then we can choose to ignore it. Does this mean that person cannot now choose to still try to be rude? Obviously not. Are we still attracting it because it is happening? No we are not. We simply have the keys to put ourselves out of reach of their power…They cannot touch us internally anymore. We took our power back into our own hands. This is a reality of the thoughts we choose but it does not follow that we were the person causing the ripples. We simply learned how to elevate our thoughts to higher ground. We got our power back.
All pain is not bad. It feels horrible, but it is there as a very useful tool. We learn discipline through it, Great characters are only forged through adversity and hardship. it is a powerful part of being human to overcome. Even on an animal instinct level we see how pain gives a trigger that there is danger-same for the soul. The law of attraction tells you that if you want something you can have it at anytime. This is simply not the case. Happiness is more often found through learning sacrifice than in gaining all we ever could want. Why would a law, seemingly the central law the universe operates on, be concerned only with pleasure and attaining more and more and more? Apparently the universe is  unconcerned with moral virtues such as patience, temperence, sacrifice..?
The explanation for where the law of attraction should leave off is that it is the law of the our feelings. The laws of attraction tells us that what we put into the universe will come back to us. They spend quite a long time explaining just how to change the thoughts, be responsible internally and FEEL the changes you wish to create. THAT is a law of the universe. It is called real faith. The believing spiritually before seeing with your eyes. It calls reality into being. There is not one thing that exists physically that did not first exist spiritually/in the mind. The law of attraction seeks to explain a world that cannot be seen which is real but ends on the note that we are the first person to create a ripple and that we can simply focus on our desires and be happy. This is simply not true. We are interconnected beings. Another person’ choices affect us regardless of our thoughts. We sometimes can learn how to put ourselves beyond the power of another person’ actions and learn that our attitude and moods ONLY are a result of our own thoughts and beliefs. If someone forces a bad experience on us we always have the ability and choice to regain that power and happiness. But we do grate against each other, refining and polishing and grating as we go. Neal A Maxwell said that ‘hopefully the lubrication of love is amply present during these moments”, but either way we are colliding against all other thoughts, behaviors that others set in motion as well. Seeking to rise above all of this we can learn a great deal from the law of attraction: feelings wise. No matter what storm we are going through, we can have a central core of peace and lasting happiness if we learn how to control thoughts. We WILL attract what we need. We are powerful beings, eternal souls that can perform alchemy of thoughts that branches across the universe. We will find what we seek after. However, so will others, for good or ill. This is a technique to being put out of reach of the power of forces that drag you down, not a mechanism for making yourself into the ultimate God of universe based on your fleeing desires of avoidance or attraction. There is a bigger purpose to life.

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2. Pretending like the universe will always respond with a YES to every question or answer just because it feels good is foolish thinking. Also, very arrogant thinking. The greatest minds and souls to walk this earth all had one thing in common: Humility. They knew that the more you learn, you learn you know very little. They knew that we will always still be learning. So how can we expect, even when we are at our best that there will not be a better plan or thought out there? Why would we wish or proclaim to know what is best in every circumstance? We go in the best direction we know and call upon meditation, prayer, connecting to a higher light to lift us into a higher plane of thinking. We sacrifice some pleasures to bring about something greater later. We miss playing in the pool one day because we know that we need to finish an essay. We sleep less as mothers because we know our children need us. We push through the pain while we do push=ups knowing it is building something far better than what we are ‘losing’.

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Your thoughts really are like an arrow. They won’t miss where you aim them. If you insist on telling yourself you are worthless, thinking about pain, down talking yourself, or believing you equal a bad situation that happened to you then you will infact only land yourself in more and more darkness. Do you attract it? In a way, yes you might because you are refusing to believe higher of yourself and will stay in the power of the area you are in. You jump into a pool of jellyfish and do you attract them? Yes, you are staying there. Are you CAUSING it? No you are not. You did not put the Jellyfish in (if you did then that was intentional and the law of attraction is a moot point for you) so you are not at fault. If you get murdered, abused, raped, hurt, mocked, mistreated you didn’t cause it. If someone declares they love you, give you a gift, marry you, you earn lots of money…did you cause that? No you did not. That was another person’ choice. Choose to get mentally out of the pool of darkness, hurt, down-talk and step into a pool safety. Is there going to now be a greater chance you find what you seek? Yes, because that is the environment you set for yourself. Your mind is above the bad that can happen. If something does affect you by their choice, you now have the key to attract better thinking and move out of its power after you heal. You will take more responsibility for who you are and you will simply not see the bad as often anymore. It is where we choose to focus that will begin to grow more plentiful in the mind.
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There are many laws at play here. Not simply the law of attraction. There is more to this universe than getting what we want or avoiding pain. We are not the cause of all that happens to us, but we do have the keys to overcome anything that happens to us. We have the ability to mold our lives whatever way we choose, and even pain plays a part in our development and completion. The law of attraction is a beautiful viewpoint full of powerful assertions to raise your thoughts and remove yourself from the traps of the mind. Grow. Keep Growing. Never stop. Remember you have the power, regardless of any action that affects you, to regain that control and power and be happy. It is up to you. But you are not to blame for anothers’ actions nor should you take responcibility for anything you did not put into being. Be the change you wish to see in the world and complete the Law of Attraction: Raise your thoughts and think about it 🙂

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Waves were fierce. For my little Aurianne. Exciting for Ethan. I just was happy to be in the sand and waves. Helicopter dropped 10,000 eggs for the kids and we had our own visit from the Eastre bunny all over the lawn underneath our balcony. Ethan even shared the eggs with Aurianne, kindly stating “You can play with these Aurianne but they are all mine. The Eastre bunny brought them for me. You little cutie baby”. So it was ALMOST like sharing 🙂 Don’t forget the wondeful Gulf storm that roared in just as we were leaving the beach.
Happy Eastre!
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Aurianne and Ethan World

Posted: March 28, 2013 in Photography
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I started out in the business of traveling and photographing the United States quite awhile ago. I first moved to West Virginia where people slow down to merge onto a freeway and where everything is super green and trees everywhere. I got honked at quite a lot because, from the area I was in, it appeared I was the only one who did p90x, took daily showers, and practiced oral hygiene. This was great for my self image =) 
Onto Cherry HIlls, New Jersey…Land of the peeps with Attitude (Capital A). Any smiles i shared at the local market were met with “Pft…what the, are you smiling at?” Philli was right over the bridge and I got to drive past the museums (Wishing I could go in without my little toddler) and instead running to the zoo where people are fine with us running a million miles per hour around every cool attraction.
Onto my favorite eastern city…Pittsburgh. I lived across the street from the Pirates Stadium. Yes, baseball reviews are correct, It IS one of the three prettiest stadiums in the United States. The city’s buildings and yellow bridges a perfect backdrop for the game. I loved the Marriott hotel and living amongst the hustle and bustle of tourists and game night events that happened atleast weekly. Ethan running down to flirt aka…weasle his way into candy and goodies from the staff. The only downside being the ticks. I didn’t even mind all the traffic because I loved the bridges and the city so much. The green of the land was fine…but MEH…all I saw was TICKS TICKS TICKS. I was fine leaving for Chicago.
Chicago had a feel all its own. I loved how fast people drove. But they were sane. The city really didn’t drive, they all just rode public transport. Which was awesome. More room for me when I drove for SUSHI!!!
Michigan had fantastic fantastic lightning storms. The kind that light the entire sky and make you feel as if you are a part of something extremely powerful. I didn’t get to see much of it because I was on bed rest most of the time i was living there. And their food at restaurants was awful….Not that I could eat anything twice (some babies are pretty picky in the womb..aurianne was one of them)…but still. AWFUL. I was quit glad to get back to SLC.
Green land is awesome and all but seriously can’t compare to my desert. The majestic mountains of Utah are one of a kind. My personal postcard living. They are my streets. I had my Coffee shop, My crazy drivers that won’t let you merge, that flip you the bird if you do something they don’t like, and the ‘I need a sign I am just that plain stupid and mean’ drivers. But meh, it was and is home. Familiar streets I grew up on were a welcome site to have my daughter.
Fast forward to the now. I reached my countdown for Texas.
Miles and miles of new…yet it all looked the same as most of the United States. I will say that Navajo land is beautiful and their culture fascinates me. Further south we got the more plain the land…flat…reminding me of all the westerns I used to watch with my dad growing up. i wised up around the oil towns with no hotels rooms empty at 1am ‘I want to quit driving and sleep time’ that there is a new way of driving in Texas. Big Semi Trucks have deadlines as urgent as New York City people take their daily tasks…They weren’t going to slow down…they will plow you right over or risk hitting oncoming traffic to shoot around you (yes I narrowly DIDN”T get hit or see an accident to the side of me atleast 5 times)…New rule learned. Big trucks pull over to let other cars/trucks go past. They don’t slow down and pull over, they just move onto the side of the road and keep their speed expecting you to drive by. Interesting. smart. Slightly loco.
Then we get into Texas cities and realize there is no such thing as a speed limit anymore. Move your butt. Expect to be tailgated. speed up and waste all your gas at the starting line…er, I mean green light. Only cops to be seen were for wrecks (Yep, there are signs announcing the Texas death toll on the roads is already up to 464…shocker). They don’t give tickets unless you are extraordinarily stupid or insanely fast (clocking over 100 I am sure). So that is refreshing news. i get to be crazy chica driver! I am such a bad butt 😉
This place has a FEW palm trees. Almost paradise…It is working its way to how cool Florida is. It is a mix between Florida and my memories of my cabin at Lake Tahoe with tall beautiful forest trees. The roads are fun. There is a nice highway of sorts following both sides of the freeway so you can hit all the stores along the way or just avoid traffic if you want to…I like that. The ocean in Galveston isn’t too far away and it is a lot of fun to be near a big body of water again. I am a water child in every way. So my family is now burrowing into Texas. Lots of changes. I have lots of goals. Tons of fun pictures. Enjoying the new culture. Americans from coast to coast really are quite similar. The same ideas attacked in different ways, expressed vastly differently, but all making this a beautiful wonderful country to live in.
Namaste!!!

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You can be 100% real and complete without covering up or repressing. I own my sadness & heartaches but do not broadcast them because I am ok with letting them not be the most important part in my life. If there is even 1% happiness, .02% Joy I choose to spend my time on that part because that is what is most important to my soul. Dark can only be part of the picture if there is a focus on the light ♥ Be yourself and love all about yourself but choose to find and move into your light. that is the most real and powerful move that can be made =) Smile. Do no harm to others. Let them learn from your travels and your hardships but do not throw the darkness around to suffocate others by feeling it, or to get sympathy. Live 100% up to your own standards and share what you learn and feel. 

The land of cactus’s. Spreading out as far as the eye can see…a terrain of ‘don’t mess with me’ I will survive rain and cold and hurt you if you touch me. Small Cacti, Large Cacti…a wilderness of them staring back at you as you drive. “A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty” Image

ImageThe Earth has music for those who listen. Image

One minute, just like life, you are driving along in the heat, getting used to cactus land and the next you find snow covered hills, getting colder and colder by the mile…wondering why it is always necessary to be in places you don’t want to be…Image

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things” You simply belong no matter where you are. Image

You are free to be silly. The world expects you to be the one and only ‘you’. The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troublesImage

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature — the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winterImage

 

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I like this place and think I could waste my time here. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor — such is my idea of happiness…Leo Tolstoy  Image

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This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happyImage

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Gwendolyn: Discovery of the meaning of the light of the otherworld. White Ring. Welsh

Who is she?She is an energetic, resolute and determined woman who could appear calm, reserved, strong and self-assured. She is actually quite straight-forward and authoritarian, and although she tends to doubt in herself and her abilities at first, deep down she aspires to the acquisition of a certain power. She is active, industrious and capable of taking on and assuming responsibility. She is a passionate person who needs to fully invest herself in a venture that motivates her, where she will prove to be efficient, organised and practical as well as extremely hardworking, shrewd, realistic and quite the perfectionist; this is an individual who is apt to manage and direct others. Gwendolyn   is capable of sound judgement and possesses an analytical mind that makes her inclined to  split hairs, and is endowed with qualities that are more readily attributed to men than women. She is bold and resourceful, and it isn´t easy to pull the wool over her eyes or take advantage of her. She cannot tolerate injustice and could react in a violent manner if she suspects iniquity of any kind. More or less hot-tempered anyway, Gwendolyn   isn´t the most tolerant of characters (especially with her loved ones), although she tries her best to be open and conciliatory. She is generous and possesses a profound sense of friendship so she is always there when you need her, and willing to help if she can. As a little girl she is amiable and responsible, albeit a little timorous and insecure. She isn´t necessarily all that into dolls and playing house, and could even be a bit of a “tomboy”. Because she is anxious to please and be loved, she will make a lot of effort to maintain a harmonious relationship with her parents. She loathes conflict and aggression because her natural inclination is to love and serenity. She is actually much more sensitive and emotional than she seems to be, and her abrupt attitude often conceals great tenderness.

What does she like?
She is a perfectionist and could even be rather obsessive at times because she believes that a job worth doing is one that is worth doing well. She aspires to peace and harmony above all else and appreciates beauty, esthetics and art. In love, Gwendolyn   is highly selective and demanding.  A successful and fulfilling relationship is essential to her emotional equilibrium while having a family of her own is very important to her. She would make an attentive partner and a caring mother. Gwendolyn  ´s fulfilment depends on her professional achievement, as she was born for effort and action. She won´t be indifferent to the lucrative side of her chosen orientation, however she will choose her path with her heart rather than her head. On the same note, she is quite capable of putting her home and family life before her career. Occupations that are liable to capture her attention are those in connection with the giving of advice (teaching, psychology, social worker…), those in relation to the medical, paramedical or social domain (notably justice)

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Aurianne: Very Holy One. Breeze. (My like the wind child) Greek and French

Who is she?

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Aurianne   is a secretive, internalized and determined woman who advances in life slowly but very surely. Cerebral and intellectual, she tends to think and analyse things a lot. Because she is of a somewhat anxious nature, she is inclined to pose both big and small existential questions… Her motto might be “I think, therefore I am.” Aurianne   is rational and has an analytical mind. However, we observe two antagonistic tendencies: the Cartesian tendency, which gives her a sceptical mind that is capable of sarcasm, mockery and even virulence towards those who dare to choose a different path to her own. She is likely to be attracted to science with a capital S or to reason with a capital R; her irrational, mystical and intuitive tendencies are great strengths, and could lead her to explore esotericism after much intense forethought: psychology, spirituality or astrology … The intimate master number 22 stimulates her, and could lead her onto royal roads… Don´t assume, however, that Aurianne   is asocial and spends her life with her nose in a book, because in fact she is warm and very friendly as well as quite talkative – especially when a topic interests her – and she is always looking to meet more people. Her charm is undeniable, and she´s actually really nice, to boot. As a child, she tends to be inquisitive and a bit of a chatterbox. Her parents had better be up to scratch on the subjects that interest her, to be able to answer her many questions and help her to quench her thirst for knowledge. It would be wise to promote her socialization, sense of sharing and exchange because she could quite happily be self-sufficient. With the 7 and 4, one observes an intimate feeling of being apart. But in general, she will focus on her studies which could continue well into her adulthood, the eternal student…What does she like?

She enjoys research and analysis – preferably in a context of peace and quiet – and is fascinated by all that is original and cutting edge. Her love life isn´t always plain sailing, because Aurianne   can be rather disconcerting and elusive, as she tends to suppress her innermost feelings and can come across as being much more frosty and indifferent than she really is, often feeling that she is misunderstood. She is highly selective in love and would much rather be alone than with the wrong person. She could therefore experience more or less prolonged periods of celibacy, or indeed a more independent or less conformist romantic lifestyle. Tough as nails. What will she do? She will simply be Aurianne.

 

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Ethan: Solid. Enduring. Determined. Will not be removed. Stable. Hebrew
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Who is he?

Masculine and endowed with a certain magnetism, Ethan emanates an air of strength. He is courageous and assertive, although he is also quite wary. This is undoubtedly related to his shyness and emotional fragility – a real Achilles´ heel which affects his mood and level of enthusiasm. This can occasionally result in outbursts of anger if he doesn´t feel that he has been fully understood. Fiery and passionate, he conceals a sweet gentleness behind a firm, even curt and abrupt demeanour. Nevertheless, Ethan is a friendly, affectionate and likeable soul – once he has decided that he trusts somebody. An ambitious young man, he isn´t indifferent to material comfort. He is particularly efficient and capable of great diplomacy when he feels motivated, whereas in other circumstances he may prove to be lacking in tact. Ethan is confident and self-assured; his energy, celerity and his realistic and practical approach are extremely valuable assets! He remains nonetheless quite an impatient and irritable character, and could also prove to be something of an opportunist – his desire to succeed is that strong. However, at the same time he is rather proud and conceited, loathes flattery and deceit and possesses an acute sense of justice… He could sometimes feel torn between his desires and his principles. Born to be in charge, he is capable of assuming responsibility, as much in the family sphere as in his professional life. As a child, this is a little boy who is very attached to his family who he is ever eager to please and who therefore have a considerable influence on him as. Furthermore, he is a sensible and responsible child from an early age and his parents know that he can be trusted. Conscientious and quite a perfectionist, he is of an above average intelligence which means that he is apt to continue his education as long as he chooses. However, his well-being and development remain heavily dependent on a harmonious affective environment and the karmic 6 could mean that he experiences upheaval in his family environment. In this case, Ethan could react in one of two ways; either he will feel overly implicated and take care of the others, or he will flee his responsibilities completely.

What does he like?
Ethan is anxious to please and seeks peace and harmony above all. A lover of perfection, he is sensitive to beauty, esthetics and comfort. He could occasionally be indecisive and excessively perfectionist because he has a real eye for detail. When it comes to love, he is passionate and possessive, and capable of ferocious jealousy. Loyal, frank and intense, he has difficulty forgiving disloyalty on the part of his partner.

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Mick: One who resembles God

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Who is he?

He has a strong character and tends to be quite impressive, as much due his magnetic personality and reserved appearance as for his need to be admired and respected. Sociable, though both introverted and extroverted at different times; he is an endearing and rather charming man who wants to please others and be liked in return, although he is quite self-involved, all things considered. Often courteous, he is very tactful but he can be known to slip up at times… He is elegant and refined, and possibly an esthete – unless he settles for tasting the pleasures that this world has to offer. Voracity is one of his foibles. Feelings occupy an important place in his life, and he is often influenced by his family – for better or for worse. Mick doesn´t shy away from his responsibilities, and is strong-willed even though he is prone to hesitation. Once he is driven by something that motivates him he is capable of great tenacity in order to see things through to their completion. Demanding, authoritarian and bossy, Mick can also be known to experience outbursts of anger if the realization of his desires is hindered or if he is treated unfairly, despite his calm and composed demeanour. A proud creature, he appears to be very self-assured while he loathes mediocrity and baseness. He is also very image-conscious, and doesn´t permit himself to fail, always seeking to excel and surpass himself – and be the best. As a child, he is active and independent with an exacerbated need for freedom. He hates restriction and can be quite unruly and confrontational if one tries to impose this upon him. It is therefore necessary for his parents to be firm, but flexible while he is growing up, and encourage him to socialize in order to tame this little tearaway. It would definitely be preferable for him to have siblings, and take part in a sport or physical activity in open air, especially those where he can be part of a group or team…

What does he like?
A lover of change, he likes to be on the move more than anything else, to travel and be free to explore the world as he pleases. He craves experiences that he can feel passionately about. Emotional, masculine and resourceful all at the same time, Mick could easily be a man of conquest (especially if he was born on a 5th, 14th, 23rd, or if his life Path Number is 5). He feels his instincts and desires intensely which makes him very attentive to a woman´s needs, however he is not necessarily a very sentimental man, nor is he always faithful… He is quite selective and could experience indecision when it comes to romantic commitment. The chosen one should effectively be perfect in every way, otherwise he is likely to quickly become jaded with the relationship.
There are a few possibilities that are likely to appeal to him, and he is inclined to choose a career that is exciting and varied, preferably out of doors and involving physical activity (especially if he was born on a 5th, 14th or 23rd), or in connection with the earth