Archive for the ‘Squires family blog’ Category

               Multiple people have asked me if I feel I experience something different than others. Do I think I am the only person who feels heavy things? Do I feel I am the only one who feels different? Am I the only one who goes through the battles I do? The answer is in the details. One by one of those details I am not different at all. I am connected in that one thing with a million other people and billions more who lived on this planet before I arrived. I don’t feel one truly novel thing new to the human race. I could be depressed, overwhelmed, suicidal, glorious, euphoric, misunderstood. I could love more than one person. I could be attracted to someone of the same gender. I could be a murderer. I could be forced into sex trafficking. I could feel as if I don’t have talents or I could feel I have my self esteem because of the talents I do have. I could have an insanely busy family schedule as a mother. I could have cancer. I could keep secrets or I could be an open book. Almost everyone feels social anxiety to some level. Almost everyone wants to be understood. Almost everyone is afraid of something. We are all human. We have each individual DNA strand in common. Same strands but expressed very differently. Consciousness expresses it differently. Legacy predisposes us to act differently. And yet, look at how similar we are.
To the question “Do I think I am the only one who feels these things?” The answer is no. Social isolation that cripples us mentally lies in forgetting how alike we are to others. Someone somewhere is dealing with what you are in some way. Every person you meet has SOMETHING in common with you. However, they aren’t you.
Being different doesn’t cause us pain. Our point of focus keeps us isolated and in pain. If we focus only on differences and distance we will not ever be touched by the moment’s right next to us. If we desire a hug and ignore the air around us, we push away the moments we belong. If we refuse to connect in the million small ways we are similar because we are too focused on the vast miles of differences that also exist we deny all the good that DOES exist. We don’t get to find people who understand us holistically. We find few who understand us on complete full levels. We don’t have to wait until we do. We can take the little moments of touching people along the way to heal our souls from isolation.
Am I different? Yes I am very different. I may connect with you in understanding big concerns like cancer, human trafficking, parenting, deep suffering, social anxiety, or a host of other deep concerns. We may even share one or two. We may share other small concerns. School, feeling beautiful, self esteem, social concerns, etc. I don’t personally understand all of these issues I mentioned. I have my own story. Others probably have experienced whole worlds more than I have that I can’t understand at all right now. We are all more than these differences though. We are connected from our similarities; no matter how small.
I want to understand those who know more than me. I want them to take the time to connect and share their world and let me share mine. It is not that I understand less but that I understand differently. My stack of knowledge is piled high but different than yours. Let me learn from you and increase our connection. Don’t cut me short of that opportunity because our small similarities aren’t enough to make you feel ‘seen’.
Likewise, I may not often be like you. You may see those small things you think you understand about me but there are miles to me that can’t be seen. My potential, my past, my stress, my aspergers, my hopes, my walls and fears which are paralytic; My talents and abilities are crushing battles can’t get the hug the way they hoped for. It isn’t real life. I don’t need to be miserable about it. I don’t need to pretend I am exactly the same either. I am not the same. Sorry but I can’t be sorry. I also can’t be miserable that I am alone in it either. My focus is changing.
I am focused on all the ways I do belong. The same technique exists to pull yourself out of a panic attack. You focus on what you are feeling. You can feel the earth pushing up against your feet and your hands touching something. Truly feel it. Focus on it. Focus on your breathing like the waves of an ocean. The tides come in and out the same way to find air just a little bit different, hitting at different angles of your lungs, releasing back to the trees waiting for its release. Focus on what you can see. The things that are placid, still, solid. Focus on the colors you can see. Focus on the shapes. Focus on every small thing you can hear. Focus on the air, the buzz, the birds, the clanks, the voices, the breathing. Focus. Move to your soul. Focus on the people who are there. Focus on how you are alike. Focus on how that other person has hopes like you, fears to be judged or misunderstood like you, dreams like you, etc. Focus on how you belong. Connect. Accept what IS and keep going with peace in your heart. You got another piece of a connection. They might not see all of you or even be capable of it. But someday you might bless them by showing and enriching their life in whatever way they are ready for. Learn something about them.

It really is all about focus. Believe in your souls’ ability to exist by itself without the hug of understanding. Believe all you know matters. Let go of the overwhelming beliefs that you need someone to see all of you. Let go of the belief that your differences mean you must be alienated from others. Let go of your believe that similarities have to be holistic to connect people. Believe that no matter how small, connections matter. Let your heart smile. Let people who are deeply engrained in your deepest matters touch your soul to that level. Let people who experience trials to a less degree but equally as difficult level touch you there irrespective of any other level that exists inside you. Let people come and go. Let nature come and go. YOU stay steady. See your path through to the end. Focus. Focus your senses. Focus your soul. You exist. You are different. There is no shame in that. You need others? They are there! They can’t all be there all the way all the time. It is up to you to let those connections matter on the level they are meant to exist at.
So thankfully I AM different. I don’t lie to myself that I am the same. But I don’t deny myself my similarities. When you are around the simple long enough you learn the blueprint to the complex. Simple grows fast, broad, and deep. The complex is still built upon the simple. It never disappears, goes away, or morphs into something new. It stays the same and simply replicates and becomes larger. Stay connected with the simple and you won’t be isolated regardless of how deep you go or how different you become you won’t feel isolated even if you live alone. Namaste!

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If I were to ask you what the worst feeling in the world would be, what would you say?
You most likely answered with a horrible feeling. A negative emotion.
Negative. Bad. Horror. All of the things we seek to avoid or eradicate.
But while we are running from these worst feelings, these bad experiences, the worst things the mind can conceive, what are we REALLY doing? The mind does not have a memory for pain. You can think back on a memory and remember all sorts of details and feelings but you can never remember EXACTLY what the pain felt like. Not physically and not fully emotionally. The closest we can get is to go to a place in our mind and let something sting us into our soul remembering something bitter. The human body has a conditioned response to avoid pain.
But are we really avoiding pain or are we searching for a happier feeling? We are equating no pain with complete happiness when this is not the case. No pain = nothingness. Working out is painful but because we achieve a plateau of health,we push through the pain. Without muscles tearing, without sweating, without heavy breathing and straining we can’t achieve heights with the human body. Our body doesn’t release chemical endorphin’s. We know this about the human body. This same rule applies to the spirit. Those who seek through prayer, meditation, or inward journeys of sacrifice can attest that, in those moments, the soul has trouble breathing. Those moments our heart aches. Those heavy times are worth the plateau of a peaceful and even center. People travel the world to try to find just a glimpse of that moment. This is where the complexity comes in.
The spirit and body are tied together. You can’t get hurt physically and have your spirit ignore it for long. It affects and wounds the spirit too. You can’t get hurt emotionally on a deep level and expect it not to also affect how the body functions. It will affect its chemicals, its stress reaction, its biorhythms.  So now, lets quickly remember the first question I entered with…If I were to ask you what the WORST feeling in the world would be what would you say? Would it still be something negative? Fear. Lonliness. Heartbreak. Terror. Hatred. etc etc…
The worst feeling in the world is neutrality. It is indifference. It is the mundane. It leads to nowhere. There is no plateau of greatness but it seeps the life out of the spirit and the body. It is the easiest course to become nothing. People who hate us, use us, leave us, deceive us are giving us the traction we need to become great and strong. They gave Anne Frank the keys to what human life are about. They gave the answers to Victor Frankel. They gave the answers to victims. They gave the answers to every soul who felt the pain. The enemy is not pain. The enemy is not how hard a situation is, how impossible the situation is, how devastatingly unfair a situation is, how cruel a person is; the enemy is not the darkness. Even within the dark there are shades arguing what is good and bad, right and wrong. The enemy is the conditioning that freedom is painless. There is a wonderful quote “Pain demands to be felt”. If for one moment you quit running from pain and start reading what it has to say, if instead of closing your eyes you demand they stay open, if instead of letting your life be about money, bills, goals, society, survival and search out what life is SAYING inside the waves of pain, disappointment, hopes, dreams, discouragement, hatred, fear, anger, love, acceptance, mistakes, pursuits, champions then you will find you are no longer neutral anymore. You are no longer seeking goals that continue your own tether to this magnet of avoidance. Your goals won’t be “I will do this so I will never feel this pain and neither will anyone else”. Your goals will be “no matter where I go, I will allow myself to feel. I will not avoid. I will conquer it.”
Everything ends in life. My one fear is that I will have remained neutral mentally for too long. I won’t have touched upon what great souls touched upon and reach that spiritual plateau where I FEEL happy. Where I operate with a strength and presence of understanding. The spirit craves pain as the only way to burst free of the cocoon of neutrality. There is no way to be free of fires because true peace is being inside of the fires and not being harmed anymore ❤
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Waves were fierce. For my little Aurianne. Exciting for Ethan. I just was happy to be in the sand and waves. Helicopter dropped 10,000 eggs for the kids and we had our own visit from the Eastre bunny all over the lawn underneath our balcony. Ethan even shared the eggs with Aurianne, kindly stating “You can play with these Aurianne but they are all mine. The Eastre bunny brought them for me. You little cutie baby”. So it was ALMOST like sharing 🙂 Don’t forget the wondeful Gulf storm that roared in just as we were leaving the beach.
Happy Eastre!
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I started out in the business of traveling and photographing the United States quite awhile ago. I first moved to West Virginia where people slow down to merge onto a freeway and where everything is super green and trees everywhere. I got honked at quite a lot because, from the area I was in, it appeared I was the only one who did p90x, took daily showers, and practiced oral hygiene. This was great for my self image =) 
Onto Cherry HIlls, New Jersey…Land of the peeps with Attitude (Capital A). Any smiles i shared at the local market were met with “Pft…what the, are you smiling at?” Philli was right over the bridge and I got to drive past the museums (Wishing I could go in without my little toddler) and instead running to the zoo where people are fine with us running a million miles per hour around every cool attraction.
Onto my favorite eastern city…Pittsburgh. I lived across the street from the Pirates Stadium. Yes, baseball reviews are correct, It IS one of the three prettiest stadiums in the United States. The city’s buildings and yellow bridges a perfect backdrop for the game. I loved the Marriott hotel and living amongst the hustle and bustle of tourists and game night events that happened atleast weekly. Ethan running down to flirt aka…weasle his way into candy and goodies from the staff. The only downside being the ticks. I didn’t even mind all the traffic because I loved the bridges and the city so much. The green of the land was fine…but MEH…all I saw was TICKS TICKS TICKS. I was fine leaving for Chicago.
Chicago had a feel all its own. I loved how fast people drove. But they were sane. The city really didn’t drive, they all just rode public transport. Which was awesome. More room for me when I drove for SUSHI!!!
Michigan had fantastic fantastic lightning storms. The kind that light the entire sky and make you feel as if you are a part of something extremely powerful. I didn’t get to see much of it because I was on bed rest most of the time i was living there. And their food at restaurants was awful….Not that I could eat anything twice (some babies are pretty picky in the womb..aurianne was one of them)…but still. AWFUL. I was quit glad to get back to SLC.
Green land is awesome and all but seriously can’t compare to my desert. The majestic mountains of Utah are one of a kind. My personal postcard living. They are my streets. I had my Coffee shop, My crazy drivers that won’t let you merge, that flip you the bird if you do something they don’t like, and the ‘I need a sign I am just that plain stupid and mean’ drivers. But meh, it was and is home. Familiar streets I grew up on were a welcome site to have my daughter.
Fast forward to the now. I reached my countdown for Texas.
Miles and miles of new…yet it all looked the same as most of the United States. I will say that Navajo land is beautiful and their culture fascinates me. Further south we got the more plain the land…flat…reminding me of all the westerns I used to watch with my dad growing up. i wised up around the oil towns with no hotels rooms empty at 1am ‘I want to quit driving and sleep time’ that there is a new way of driving in Texas. Big Semi Trucks have deadlines as urgent as New York City people take their daily tasks…They weren’t going to slow down…they will plow you right over or risk hitting oncoming traffic to shoot around you (yes I narrowly DIDN”T get hit or see an accident to the side of me atleast 5 times)…New rule learned. Big trucks pull over to let other cars/trucks go past. They don’t slow down and pull over, they just move onto the side of the road and keep their speed expecting you to drive by. Interesting. smart. Slightly loco.
Then we get into Texas cities and realize there is no such thing as a speed limit anymore. Move your butt. Expect to be tailgated. speed up and waste all your gas at the starting line…er, I mean green light. Only cops to be seen were for wrecks (Yep, there are signs announcing the Texas death toll on the roads is already up to 464…shocker). They don’t give tickets unless you are extraordinarily stupid or insanely fast (clocking over 100 I am sure). So that is refreshing news. i get to be crazy chica driver! I am such a bad butt 😉
This place has a FEW palm trees. Almost paradise…It is working its way to how cool Florida is. It is a mix between Florida and my memories of my cabin at Lake Tahoe with tall beautiful forest trees. The roads are fun. There is a nice highway of sorts following both sides of the freeway so you can hit all the stores along the way or just avoid traffic if you want to…I like that. The ocean in Galveston isn’t too far away and it is a lot of fun to be near a big body of water again. I am a water child in every way. So my family is now burrowing into Texas. Lots of changes. I have lots of goals. Tons of fun pictures. Enjoying the new culture. Americans from coast to coast really are quite similar. The same ideas attacked in different ways, expressed vastly differently, but all making this a beautiful wonderful country to live in.
Namaste!!!

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You can be 100% real and complete without covering up or repressing. I own my sadness & heartaches but do not broadcast them because I am ok with letting them not be the most important part in my life. If there is even 1% happiness, .02% Joy I choose to spend my time on that part because that is what is most important to my soul. Dark can only be part of the picture if there is a focus on the light ♥ Be yourself and love all about yourself but choose to find and move into your light. that is the most real and powerful move that can be made =) Smile. Do no harm to others. Let them learn from your travels and your hardships but do not throw the darkness around to suffocate others by feeling it, or to get sympathy. Live 100% up to your own standards and share what you learn and feel. 

The land of cactus’s. Spreading out as far as the eye can see…a terrain of ‘don’t mess with me’ I will survive rain and cold and hurt you if you touch me. Small Cacti, Large Cacti…a wilderness of them staring back at you as you drive. “A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty” Image

ImageThe Earth has music for those who listen. Image

One minute, just like life, you are driving along in the heat, getting used to cactus land and the next you find snow covered hills, getting colder and colder by the mile…wondering why it is always necessary to be in places you don’t want to be…Image

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things” You simply belong no matter where you are. Image

You are free to be silly. The world expects you to be the one and only ‘you’. The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troublesImage

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature — the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winterImage

 

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I like this place and think I could waste my time here. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor — such is my idea of happiness…Leo Tolstoy  Image

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This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happyImage

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Gwendolyn: Discovery of the meaning of the light of the otherworld. White Ring. Welsh

Who is she?She is an energetic, resolute and determined woman who could appear calm, reserved, strong and self-assured. She is actually quite straight-forward and authoritarian, and although she tends to doubt in herself and her abilities at first, deep down she aspires to the acquisition of a certain power. She is active, industrious and capable of taking on and assuming responsibility. She is a passionate person who needs to fully invest herself in a venture that motivates her, where she will prove to be efficient, organised and practical as well as extremely hardworking, shrewd, realistic and quite the perfectionist; this is an individual who is apt to manage and direct others. Gwendolyn   is capable of sound judgement and possesses an analytical mind that makes her inclined to  split hairs, and is endowed with qualities that are more readily attributed to men than women. She is bold and resourceful, and it isn´t easy to pull the wool over her eyes or take advantage of her. She cannot tolerate injustice and could react in a violent manner if she suspects iniquity of any kind. More or less hot-tempered anyway, Gwendolyn   isn´t the most tolerant of characters (especially with her loved ones), although she tries her best to be open and conciliatory. She is generous and possesses a profound sense of friendship so she is always there when you need her, and willing to help if she can. As a little girl she is amiable and responsible, albeit a little timorous and insecure. She isn´t necessarily all that into dolls and playing house, and could even be a bit of a “tomboy”. Because she is anxious to please and be loved, she will make a lot of effort to maintain a harmonious relationship with her parents. She loathes conflict and aggression because her natural inclination is to love and serenity. She is actually much more sensitive and emotional than she seems to be, and her abrupt attitude often conceals great tenderness.

What does she like?
She is a perfectionist and could even be rather obsessive at times because she believes that a job worth doing is one that is worth doing well. She aspires to peace and harmony above all else and appreciates beauty, esthetics and art. In love, Gwendolyn   is highly selective and demanding.  A successful and fulfilling relationship is essential to her emotional equilibrium while having a family of her own is very important to her. She would make an attentive partner and a caring mother. Gwendolyn  ´s fulfilment depends on her professional achievement, as she was born for effort and action. She won´t be indifferent to the lucrative side of her chosen orientation, however she will choose her path with her heart rather than her head. On the same note, she is quite capable of putting her home and family life before her career. Occupations that are liable to capture her attention are those in connection with the giving of advice (teaching, psychology, social worker…), those in relation to the medical, paramedical or social domain (notably justice)

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Aurianne: Very Holy One. Breeze. (My like the wind child) Greek and French

Who is she?

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Aurianne   is a secretive, internalized and determined woman who advances in life slowly but very surely. Cerebral and intellectual, she tends to think and analyse things a lot. Because she is of a somewhat anxious nature, she is inclined to pose both big and small existential questions… Her motto might be “I think, therefore I am.” Aurianne   is rational and has an analytical mind. However, we observe two antagonistic tendencies: the Cartesian tendency, which gives her a sceptical mind that is capable of sarcasm, mockery and even virulence towards those who dare to choose a different path to her own. She is likely to be attracted to science with a capital S or to reason with a capital R; her irrational, mystical and intuitive tendencies are great strengths, and could lead her to explore esotericism after much intense forethought: psychology, spirituality or astrology … The intimate master number 22 stimulates her, and could lead her onto royal roads… Don´t assume, however, that Aurianne   is asocial and spends her life with her nose in a book, because in fact she is warm and very friendly as well as quite talkative – especially when a topic interests her – and she is always looking to meet more people. Her charm is undeniable, and she´s actually really nice, to boot. As a child, she tends to be inquisitive and a bit of a chatterbox. Her parents had better be up to scratch on the subjects that interest her, to be able to answer her many questions and help her to quench her thirst for knowledge. It would be wise to promote her socialization, sense of sharing and exchange because she could quite happily be self-sufficient. With the 7 and 4, one observes an intimate feeling of being apart. But in general, she will focus on her studies which could continue well into her adulthood, the eternal student…What does she like?

She enjoys research and analysis – preferably in a context of peace and quiet – and is fascinated by all that is original and cutting edge. Her love life isn´t always plain sailing, because Aurianne   can be rather disconcerting and elusive, as she tends to suppress her innermost feelings and can come across as being much more frosty and indifferent than she really is, often feeling that she is misunderstood. She is highly selective in love and would much rather be alone than with the wrong person. She could therefore experience more or less prolonged periods of celibacy, or indeed a more independent or less conformist romantic lifestyle. Tough as nails. What will she do? She will simply be Aurianne.

 

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Ethan: Solid. Enduring. Determined. Will not be removed. Stable. Hebrew
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ethan

Who is he?

Masculine and endowed with a certain magnetism, Ethan emanates an air of strength. He is courageous and assertive, although he is also quite wary. This is undoubtedly related to his shyness and emotional fragility – a real Achilles´ heel which affects his mood and level of enthusiasm. This can occasionally result in outbursts of anger if he doesn´t feel that he has been fully understood. Fiery and passionate, he conceals a sweet gentleness behind a firm, even curt and abrupt demeanour. Nevertheless, Ethan is a friendly, affectionate and likeable soul – once he has decided that he trusts somebody. An ambitious young man, he isn´t indifferent to material comfort. He is particularly efficient and capable of great diplomacy when he feels motivated, whereas in other circumstances he may prove to be lacking in tact. Ethan is confident and self-assured; his energy, celerity and his realistic and practical approach are extremely valuable assets! He remains nonetheless quite an impatient and irritable character, and could also prove to be something of an opportunist – his desire to succeed is that strong. However, at the same time he is rather proud and conceited, loathes flattery and deceit and possesses an acute sense of justice… He could sometimes feel torn between his desires and his principles. Born to be in charge, he is capable of assuming responsibility, as much in the family sphere as in his professional life. As a child, this is a little boy who is very attached to his family who he is ever eager to please and who therefore have a considerable influence on him as. Furthermore, he is a sensible and responsible child from an early age and his parents know that he can be trusted. Conscientious and quite a perfectionist, he is of an above average intelligence which means that he is apt to continue his education as long as he chooses. However, his well-being and development remain heavily dependent on a harmonious affective environment and the karmic 6 could mean that he experiences upheaval in his family environment. In this case, Ethan could react in one of two ways; either he will feel overly implicated and take care of the others, or he will flee his responsibilities completely.

What does he like?
Ethan is anxious to please and seeks peace and harmony above all. A lover of perfection, he is sensitive to beauty, esthetics and comfort. He could occasionally be indecisive and excessively perfectionist because he has a real eye for detail. When it comes to love, he is passionate and possessive, and capable of ferocious jealousy. Loyal, frank and intense, he has difficulty forgiving disloyalty on the part of his partner.

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Mick: One who resembles God

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Who is he?

He has a strong character and tends to be quite impressive, as much due his magnetic personality and reserved appearance as for his need to be admired and respected. Sociable, though both introverted and extroverted at different times; he is an endearing and rather charming man who wants to please others and be liked in return, although he is quite self-involved, all things considered. Often courteous, he is very tactful but he can be known to slip up at times… He is elegant and refined, and possibly an esthete – unless he settles for tasting the pleasures that this world has to offer. Voracity is one of his foibles. Feelings occupy an important place in his life, and he is often influenced by his family – for better or for worse. Mick doesn´t shy away from his responsibilities, and is strong-willed even though he is prone to hesitation. Once he is driven by something that motivates him he is capable of great tenacity in order to see things through to their completion. Demanding, authoritarian and bossy, Mick can also be known to experience outbursts of anger if the realization of his desires is hindered or if he is treated unfairly, despite his calm and composed demeanour. A proud creature, he appears to be very self-assured while he loathes mediocrity and baseness. He is also very image-conscious, and doesn´t permit himself to fail, always seeking to excel and surpass himself – and be the best. As a child, he is active and independent with an exacerbated need for freedom. He hates restriction and can be quite unruly and confrontational if one tries to impose this upon him. It is therefore necessary for his parents to be firm, but flexible while he is growing up, and encourage him to socialize in order to tame this little tearaway. It would definitely be preferable for him to have siblings, and take part in a sport or physical activity in open air, especially those where he can be part of a group or team…

What does he like?
A lover of change, he likes to be on the move more than anything else, to travel and be free to explore the world as he pleases. He craves experiences that he can feel passionately about. Emotional, masculine and resourceful all at the same time, Mick could easily be a man of conquest (especially if he was born on a 5th, 14th, 23rd, or if his life Path Number is 5). He feels his instincts and desires intensely which makes him very attentive to a woman´s needs, however he is not necessarily a very sentimental man, nor is he always faithful… He is quite selective and could experience indecision when it comes to romantic commitment. The chosen one should effectively be perfect in every way, otherwise he is likely to quickly become jaded with the relationship.
There are a few possibilities that are likely to appeal to him, and he is inclined to choose a career that is exciting and varied, preferably out of doors and involving physical activity (especially if he was born on a 5th, 14th or 23rd), or in connection with the earth

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“Mom are we going to Texas? Where the deep blue sea is?” Ethan asked.
“Nope we are going to Arizona”
“Whats Arizona?”
“A place with palm trees, some good hikes, and new adventures…not quite far enough for the deep blue sea”
“Oh”     PAUSE….. “I want to go back home then”

10 hour trip up to Montana for 3 days. Car troubles. Montana trip extended to 10 days. Returning to Utah we only had 3 days before taking off on this trip to Arizona. We fit lots of good times in while in utah and then packed up again. Ethan had helped pack up his cars and was the first to wake up. He ran over to his stuffed animal Raja, picked him up with his backpack loaded heavy with cars and superheros and whispered (his attempt at being good while his sister was still asleep) “Lets go mom”. 
We hit Page, Arizona and decided we had to pull over. The trip was pretty long to head another 10 hours the other direction and the kids were done early this time. We stopped for food and headed on our way when the car started to make shaking and banging sounds. We had blown a tire. I didn’t think we had air in the spare tire. Soon we discovered it wasn’t a tire problem at all but a brake problem. A simple Crescent Wrench would do the trick but no one would pull over. The few who did didn’t have any tools. Then it was pitch black. 911 informed me that we could call a towing service but the shop told me they wouldn’t bring  a wrench; we would have to pay the full towing price back to page. Then a highway patroleman went and found a wrench and came to our aide. He arrived an hour and a half past Aurianne sobbing her eyes out and being rebundled into her carseat to stay out of the cold (She had some sort of cold or ear infection-either way a miserable almost 1 year old). He arrived after Ethan lost his 4 year old reserves and started jumping around like a monkey on crack, calling names, banging his knee on everything in site, until he finally crashed like he was on ambien on a very worn out, frazzled mother. He came in a bomb squad blue hoodie and jeans, handlebar mustach and wife/date in the off-duty car. He was the greatest helper in the world and after being stuck on the side of the road for 3+ hours we were on our way again. 
We all were running on little sleep, half of us sick, overly tired from travel and we had to make one more stop in the dark. It was a nervous stop in the middle of nowhere while things were fixed and rearranged. A car stopped behind us by about 20 feet. odd. There wasn’t a house within miles and miles. We hopped back in the car and took off without incident and arrived in Phoenix at 2am. 
Little tiny one bedroom. Auirannes foldout bed barely fitting *by ingenious means* within the bathroom, Ethan on a foldout couch. But warm. A fridge. And Palm Trees. With another hour or two of coaxing all kids were sound asleep and I crashed into bed. I saw plenty of mental mud on this trip. I doubt I can say more than one thing went the way I was planning. still might not go to plan the rest of the week. Dirty. Messy. Miserable. But worth it! Planted seeds in the watery, earthen mess and turned some light on it. We can make it through anything. I have a few bruises. I pulled my neck somehow. I mentally wanted to escape into dreamland inside silken sheets on top a soft mattress. But we made it. Things are going in the right direction. Out of the chaos I shot forward with some great ideas for growth and light. Two days after we broke down outside of Page this happened….

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Right about where we broke down is now shattered and broken but we are whole. Paths require mud. They require pain. The roads to miraculous places aren’t usually paved nor easy. So, when mud comes along and makes your day murky…remember, plant something good, work through it, let it rain, and shine some light on it! 

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If there is one thing I wish to say in this, is that you can make it no matter what!! Even when you cant go on. Even when you strive with all you have and it still feels like you are alone and fail, you just have to let it burn. You just have to keep going. Find your direction and stick to it no matter what. God loves you. He has a specific plan for you. You sometimes wont think that you can survive. I honestly dont know how you do sometimes. I dont think I ever will. But you do,and God will make emblazen every evil and sad thing with brilliant purpose and light. Peace will be yours one day. Be the heroine/hero you know rests inside. Feed that above even the impulse to breath, eat, or stay safe. God made you with a specific purpose. He knows you aren’t perfect. He knows you are hurting and you have struggles. No matter how bad things get he has made a way for you to make it. Have faith in those who have made it before you and hang on. In the end many will glorify your name and you will be the name they rely on, as the simply lady or gentleman who made it!!!!

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Every Journey has a message, a hardship, a joy, a tear, and a story. Most people I fear choose to look too long at the pain. The mosquito bite, the trial, the flat tire, the fear of failure. The happiest I am, the best stories I can write and be proud of are when I choose to simply let your soul just ‘burn’ and keep going. 
The soul is a unique element. It is not made of earthly material and cannot be destroyed without our personal permission. It can hurt greater than anything physical known to man, it can comprehend more than our brains, it senses beyond our 5 physical senses, and it cannot be destroyed. It CAN however burn. It can burn with yearning, with desire, with hopelessness, with fear. It can burn with love, courage, hope, faith, and light as well. It can change our bodies. It is the greatest true form of alchemy in the universe. If we want to change our surroundings and have a good story to tell we have to be willing to simply let it burn away the hard times and keep focused on the good we want to create. Learn to control it. 
The biggest lie our minds can tell us is “When you are in pain you can be destroyed”. You simply cannot. You will not really drown. Not without your permission. You were always immortal and always will be. Choose to be happy”.
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Sometimes you are stuck unhappily in a car for far too long. Aurianne shows well how much she loves this experience. She is not a car person like her brother. Sometimes heartache and tragedy strike…

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 Sometimes we have to introspect and accept that we need internal change. Sometimes no matter what we think was right, turns out to be wrong and we simply must follow our hearts. Life is not simple. The sphere of our influence is also designed to grow. Our first influence is over self. As we exercise authority over our own thoughts, through diligent study and meditation, we receive from God the energy and substance to influence others in ever widening circles. Let the energy of the soul stay still when it feels like it is on fire and keep focused on creating good. You are the only person in charge of what remains after a fire. Be the alchemist. Breath and keep going. You cannot be destroyed. Make a good story and become something. You are the main character after all.

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I never celebrate Valentines Day on Valentines Day. Instead I celebrate love a few days late, in this case one day late. I celebrate by renewing my hope in love. I am always searching for ways to keep hope alive, to believe in miracles among tragedy, to see how others overcome horrible life events. Safe Harbor, a new movie that came out this year, became my second favorite movie of all time. The Last Samurai it was not but it was a good second. I don’t often relate to people on a deep level but I did relate to her. Not because I lived her life but because I ‘get’ her character. I believe in miracles and the miracle in the show left me with tears in my eyes (anyone who knows me knows how extremely rare that is). The show left me actually shaking in parts while sitting in the theater. It left me hoping for her. I can honestly say it rejuvinated my belief that Love does indeed overcome all. That we matter. That God allows miracles to take place by the simple fact that Love itself is so overpowering as to overcome all darkness. THAT is the meaning of Valentines Day. 

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I always found it amusing that Saint Valentine slaughtered so many people and BAM…Love Holiday recognized by chocolate, teddy bears, and flowers. Amused enough to avoid the spectacle altogether. However, this year I waited 4 months to watch this show. I was drawn to the previews. I think I now know why. Without horrible tragedy sometimes we don’t realize how powerful love is. Love is the fabric of the universe and it transcends death and makes miracles possible. If there was no tragedy sometimes I don’t think that true, legendary love could truly exist either. 
So for all those who die of cancer, for all of those who are victims of violence, for all of those who are left in the wake of tragedy…The greatest beauty comes out of ashes. Valentines Day bleeds red with the courage of those to allow love to survive, to bless children, to rescue adult hearts, to weave miracles way beyond our understanding. 

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Spending Valentines Day this year in Salt Lake City where I fell in love for the first time, where I experienced living without a home, where I spent most of my youth was an unexpected blessing. I won’t be here for much longer. New places for me. I might come back. Sometimes journeys bring us back home if it is meant to be. I definitely believe in miracles again, I definitely remember what I did when i was a little girl. Despite all hardships I am so amazingly blessed! Safe Haven mentally indeed =) 

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