Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category

If I were to ask you what the worst feeling in the world would be, what would you say?
You most likely answered with a horrible feeling. A negative emotion.
Negative. Bad. Horror. All of the things we seek to avoid or eradicate.
But while we are running from these worst feelings, these bad experiences, the worst things the mind can conceive, what are we REALLY doing? The mind does not have a memory for pain. You can think back on a memory and remember all sorts of details and feelings but you can never remember EXACTLY what the pain felt like. Not physically and not fully emotionally. The closest we can get is to go to a place in our mind and let something sting us into our soul remembering something bitter. The human body has a conditioned response to avoid pain.
But are we really avoiding pain or are we searching for a happier feeling? We are equating no pain with complete happiness when this is not the case. No pain = nothingness. Working out is painful but because we achieve a plateau of health,we push through the pain. Without muscles tearing, without sweating, without heavy breathing and straining we can’t achieve heights with the human body. Our body doesn’t release chemical endorphin’s. We know this about the human body. This same rule applies to the spirit. Those who seek through prayer, meditation, or inward journeys of sacrifice can attest that, in those moments, the soul has trouble breathing. Those moments our heart aches. Those heavy times are worth the plateau of a peaceful and even center. People travel the world to try to find just a glimpse of that moment. This is where the complexity comes in.
The spirit and body are tied together. You can’t get hurt physically and have your spirit ignore it for long. It affects and wounds the spirit too. You can’t get hurt emotionally on a deep level and expect it not to also affect how the body functions. It will affect its chemicals, its stress reaction, its biorhythms.  So now, lets quickly remember the first question I entered with…If I were to ask you what the WORST feeling in the world would be what would you say? Would it still be something negative? Fear. Lonliness. Heartbreak. Terror. Hatred. etc etc…
The worst feeling in the world is neutrality. It is indifference. It is the mundane. It leads to nowhere. There is no plateau of greatness but it seeps the life out of the spirit and the body. It is the easiest course to become nothing. People who hate us, use us, leave us, deceive us are giving us the traction we need to become great and strong. They gave Anne Frank the keys to what human life are about. They gave the answers to Victor Frankel. They gave the answers to victims. They gave the answers to every soul who felt the pain. The enemy is not pain. The enemy is not how hard a situation is, how impossible the situation is, how devastatingly unfair a situation is, how cruel a person is; the enemy is not the darkness. Even within the dark there are shades arguing what is good and bad, right and wrong. The enemy is the conditioning that freedom is painless. There is a wonderful quote “Pain demands to be felt”. If for one moment you quit running from pain and start reading what it has to say, if instead of closing your eyes you demand they stay open, if instead of letting your life be about money, bills, goals, society, survival and search out what life is SAYING inside the waves of pain, disappointment, hopes, dreams, discouragement, hatred, fear, anger, love, acceptance, mistakes, pursuits, champions then you will find you are no longer neutral anymore. You are no longer seeking goals that continue your own tether to this magnet of avoidance. Your goals won’t be “I will do this so I will never feel this pain and neither will anyone else”. Your goals will be “no matter where I go, I will allow myself to feel. I will not avoid. I will conquer it.”
Everything ends in life. My one fear is that I will have remained neutral mentally for too long. I won’t have touched upon what great souls touched upon and reach that spiritual plateau where I FEEL happy. Where I operate with a strength and presence of understanding. The spirit craves pain as the only way to burst free of the cocoon of neutrality. There is no way to be free of fires because true peace is being inside of the fires and not being harmed anymore ❤
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I was the clue

Posted: May 28, 2014 in Poetry
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They tore it down.
The world I loved.
There was no reason for it, not really. There was hate built around fear and anger around injustice to ideas.
It turned friends into enemies and gave amnesia to love.
It hit me over the head so hard I forgot where I lived and what it felt like to sit down with tea and overlook the river.
They lied.
They burned every journal and every word I had written
Gossiped a new history, wrote it down in gold
Shaking their heads they said I should have gone, I did not belong.
They whitewashed their hands in the river of blood
They were blinded and saw only a flash flood
It was hard to move on when the stories were told
Haunting
I did not recognize
They painted my picture and believed it was me.
A picture of Everest trying to be passed off as a tree.
Incredulous face
same newer streets
I sat down with chai and thought about how I should meet
a new person
An old friend
A busy port
a connection again.
All the streets signs wrote lies and only I knew
If a soul ever met me anew
I would be living in an old world
and they in the new.
I wonder which world could possibly be true.
Just like that I was foreign
My face broken and blue
It would turn peach and olive in hue
however they had torn it apart that day.
I was hiding the only clue.

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I was waiting for something.
The void was screaming at me
But refused to move closer.
I stood
At the edge
Began to climb down the jagged rocks
Precarious and foolishly
With no vision of where I was going.
Only that I had to move.
The void doesn’t scream for no reason.
It is primal.
It is deafening.
It is foreign.
My soul craved to touch the understanding of it
to bask in the light of no screams.
It came without ever moving an inch.
Turns out it was waiting for me to come.
I never arrived anywhere, it never moved either.
Slowly my journey over ledges led me to a place of stillness.
Where people, who stood, without speaking, smiled at me
And understood me.
I never smiled.
Sitting down, pulling my knees up with my arms resting atop
I looked down at the reflection of a quiet river
It had swallowed up the screams with the eyes of the travelers
There is no reason to scream to the lost after they are found.
It came…the smile inside me.

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Caste me away from this island.
Don’t try to seek out my boat.
You assume it sits atop of the ocean,
You can’t possibly know how remote.
Even when my eyes saw the shoreline
My heart felt waves crash upon me
From deep within the swell of far away earth.
Even when you still could have seen me
I was long gone, my heart was morose.
You searched for a holograph image
Of who I was 5 seconds ago,
But you did not feel the earth when you stood
So my pulse could never be heard.
I was deeply embedded in history-
The images, feelings, and waves
Always washed right through every sinew of thought.
If you didn’t follow that video of music
How could you have followed my thought?
Don’t try to follow me from this island
I am already far too long gone.
I rode away one thought at a time,
long before I started to row.

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I snapped.
Today came too quickly.The monotony hit me like a brick wall suddenly jutting up around a bend in the road and travel was the only way to dissolve it. 
My only and last chance to breath was to break free.
It was obvious in that moment that these walls were all wrong.
Erected to lull into a confinement of safety and borders
If you were walking slow you might have missed the energy
The adamantine force that hits you saying “This is so wrong! It does NOT belong.”
How can limiting yourself possibly be right?
Life is a road and a journey 
No man can make a wall and label it a home
No one would believe such a lie if they were on the move
They would run full force into an obstruction
The soul would scream out ‘why?!’
 This didn’t help me on my journey, it is telling me to stop
Get comfy
Rest
It won’t allow me to pass after I settle here
It will surely say “no!”
Safety beyond those walls is not possible it will then say.
One cannot erect a wall and expect it to not desire to stay.
Everything demands a purpose and will fight to prove their way.
So why would making a solid wall in the middle of the road prove wise?

I broke down that wall
I felt the decay
I had to regenerate all my heart walls that day
I paid attention to where the roots grew
I saw what I was made of and what simply would not do.
To my great surprise my home had no walls
Not for shelter
Not within my country
Not within my planet
Not within this solar system
I had no walls
I didn’t need them it turns out
My soul is endless and I do not fear flying deep within the stars
to discover and follow the solar winds of my world 

Hey there!

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I am on a journey. One of those journeys apparently many woman are taking, but I thought I was the only one. It has been a common joke in my family that I like to take quiz’s. A joke that in high school I tied for 4 different personalities. I would just highlight the parts of each of them that was right. I would laugh to myself that I would study characters in books and movies I revered and then emulate them; others never did this and I never understood why (always seemed like a wonderful way to understand myself and better my character).
It was always a joke that in junior high i was deemed silly and boy crazy. For years I played this part but I knew deep down it wasn’t me. It wasn’t really truly fake either. I was trying to make people laugh and be happy around me and i had no idea how to feel comfortable unless I made sure they were laughing. So i did crazy things. I over-emphasized normal feelings so that people could have fun. But I knew deep down I was somber, even, and serious minded and not at all boy crazy). Bugged me to be seen as different than that and it took years to break away from people seeing me that way.
I always laughed thinking how many times people said i was lying about something when I told the truth. I just SUCK at telling things in a linear way like people want to believe. I expressed myself emotionally 100% honestly. I abhor to be misunderstood. I WANT everything to stay feeling the same with my friends and family. Just loved and accepted no matter what.
I got depressed when I started realizing that maybe it was all in my head that I was special. Maybe I was just a fake. Maybe I was what everything else saw. But no!!! I am not what people see. I am a million different complex pieces bravely warring to be honest, completely understood, and making others happy. I make mistakes like everyone but I am the most loyal person in the world. When I am someones’ friend I would die for them, live for them, and I would never turn my back on them. What I WILL do is always be pestering them for the truth, trying to get an emotional connection with them. If I feel walls I will push away and hide internally and feel a lot of angst. What I will do is need consistency with friendships. I will need reassurance of my place in their world. What I won’t do is change who I am. Instead I will just disappear and deal with the consequences of gossip.  I grew up understanding many levels of human interaction in great detail thinking I was different spiritually. When in fact I am different neurologically. I am an aspie girl. My brain is wired with a different set of gifts and challenges.
It is because of this that I don’t really fit in. I might be able to do great things but I will also be seen as broken a lot of the time. I won’t get over trauma like others. It hits deep and lasts for years on many more levels than others see or realize. But I am also able to stay more calm and detached in stress than others. I am able to have deep empathy even if I don’t socially interact the same. I DO love people. I do have a great need to be understood. Not even by others around me. But by myself. My bravery isn’t in all the brave acts that people see or the brave acts I do every day. That is only part of it. My bravery is to exert myself into the neurotypical world and hold out as long as I can to help people before I get overloaded and fly back into my corner to decompress and regain my center and deal with the mass amount of information I just received, sort it out, find my place with in it, see what it means for me, for others…deal with the ramifications of intense emotions, meditate, pray, get back to my serenity storm. Laugh a little. Write a lot. Forgive people. Forgive myself. And try again awhile later.
I am grateful I am me. I am just scratching that surface. I did find a magnificent list from Sam Craft. Another lady with aspergers, with a son with aspergers (just like me). Hundreds of people relate to her and what she says. Just like me. Which means I am not alone. I am typical of a non typical woman and I need to embrace and figure out ME. The following is the list she compiled. I will be adding my own reflections on what does and does not pertain to me personally. Every aspie is different. Hopefully if anyone reads this they can either relate a little, learn a little, or understand me a little better. There are a lot more aspie’s out there than anyone thinks. I have to think there is a reason behind all the madness of it 🙂

Suggested Use:Check off all areas that strongly apply to the person. If each area has 75%-80% of the statements checked, or more, then you may want to consider that the female may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Section A: Deep Thinkers

1. A deep thinker: Yes

2. A prolific writer drawn to poetry: Yes

3. Highly intelligent: I like to think so although the more you know the more you realize you know nada. I am therefore a savant at knowing I am ignorant.

4. Sees things at multiple levels including thinking processes: aboslutely. And quickly.

5. Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything continually: All the time.

6. Serious and matter-of-fact in nature: very much although I am blessed to be lighthearted and fun natured when I am away from pressure and stress.

7. Doesn’t take things for granted: Nope. I am constantly on a deep level ‘feeling’ grateful and feeling a grave necessity NOT to take things for granted because everything can be lost in the blink of an eye. literally.

8. Doesn’t simplify: Nope. Very hard for me to do that. I do organize though. I call it putting simple on a complex level into easy to read manuals.

9. Everything is complex: absolutely

10. Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out: No one has told me I have a blank stare although I do go into my own zone. I know now socially how to pull myself out of it or just manage to look ‘aloof’ when I do this.

Section B: Innocent

1. Naïve: Used to be VERY much. I never understood growing up how people could be so mean or hurtful. threw me for a tailspin for years and years and years.

2. Honest: To a fault. I saw lies burn up my world when I tried to express my truths in a non truthful way. NEVER again would I allow myself to lie. In fact, it hurts me on a DEEP level whenever lies start to come around me. I can’t handle fractured realities.

3. Experiences trouble with lying: Yep. Powerful lesson to overcome in my youth.

4. Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty: Logically I totally get it. On every other level I don’t at all. In fact, I tend to not forgive people their passive aggressive actions that are disloyal even though society deems it ok. I get fiercely rigid against it. I don’t tolerate it at all.

5. Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation: Ya I don’t get it at all.

6. Easily fooled and conned: Yep used to be. Unless I train myself in logic of a scenario and can read it logically I can be fooled by it still. Good thing I made it my career to study this stuff.

7. Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed: Oh very much. I call it in cycles. I will be on my A game and really I could do the work of 20 people combined and then I will hit my limit and withdraw big time in massive overwhelming feelings. Like my compartmentalization doesn’t have breathing holes.

8. Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet: I always say I wasn’t meant to stay here.

9. Feelings of isolation: Big time. always have. doubt that will ever change.

10. Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone: I never complained or cried. I was safe at home. beyond that and trying massive avoidance techniques I never would have thought to have done more than that. Simple soldier on.

Section C: Escape and Friendship

1. Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action: absolutely

2. Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects: I can study a topic so completely it is ridiculous. Want a professional on a subject? get me hooked and give me a computer for 24 hours and you have your woman.

3. Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming: I have one heck of an imagination. truth. Why I love sci fi.

4. Escapes through mental processing: absolutely!!I live in my head. analyzing.

5. Escapes through the rhythm of words: Words are glorious. Without them I don’t know where I would be.

6. Philosophizes continually: If that isn’t obvious…

7. Had imaginary friends in youth: Yep! I named her Alma. Which funnily enough means soul in spanish. i told her all my philosophies and thoughts and everything all day when I had no friends and had to keep busy. Ide just walk and explore all through recess talking and playing. Never sad because I always had my own happy world. No matter how many bullies abounded, I was happy.

8. Imitates people on television or in movies: Well duh!! They show hero’s and amazing characters. If I can’t impliment what I see…what good are the characters they play?

9. Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students,” “consumers,” “soldiers.”: This actually not so much. I saw them as friends or as people who hated me. No inbetween. I didn’t actually over analyze why or what made friends. I just lived in my world and tried to protect my feelings when I was hurt.

10. Makes friends with older or younger females: Much older. Sadly though they rarely felt the same for me as I did for them. But I only felt comfortable around older girls. they thought deeper and had steadier emotions.

11. Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, and manner: Nah, Hence why i never fit in. i finally found a way to be me in a way people accepted. But kinda like the caterpillar being hated until it was a butterfly i never cared when people thought I was pretty. I was ALWAYS pretty. to recognize it because I was socially what they wanted was and still is silliness to me.

12. Obsessively collects and organizes objects: I collected coins for a long time. Now I collect music, art, and photographs.

13. Mastered imitation: Very much. i know how to put on a good face even if I am screaming inside to go and hide away by myself.

14. Escapes by playing the same music over and over: yeah, drives some people crazy. good thing my son enjoys it now too 🙂

15. Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real): Yep I get lost in romances. They consume me. In fact I gave many people WAY more credit than they should have had.

16. Numbers bring ease: Yep. i hate applying math but I LOVE numerology and I see rythems and sequences constantly.

17. Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging: Yep, if i look like i am very patient it is because I am counting to 1000 in my head…literally.

18. Escapes into other rooms at parties: or out windows…whatever works.

19. Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts: a big problem. a real problem.

20. Everything has a purpose: every little last thing.

Section D: Comorbid Attributes

1. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder): I definitly have parts of this yes. I can’t STAND certain things. They just rub me wrong and I can’t handle it. I am actually getting worse the older I get.

2. Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste): big time. Growing up I couldn’t wear jeans. WAY too uncomfortable. I couldn’t stand sounds sometimes. Changes with the day. but I can get into overload fast. OR i can require extra stimulation and adrenaline to keep sane. That is why i was good at security work. Some of my happiest times were tackling people or shooting on the range or dealing with a fight.

3. Generalized Anxiety: absolutely. I always had a ‘reason’ for it. but i definitly struggle with anxiety especially when I feel I am in ‘trouble’.

4. Sense of pending danger or doom: ayup! again I have reasons I feel but maybe they hit me harder than others? I dunno.

5. Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive): oh I for sure am very sensitive in my own way. but only when I let someone in. If I havn’t let you in, you are never going to bug me. ever.

6. Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination: actually I am super coordinated but I am double jointed.

7. Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten: I am picky about what I eat and usually am a health nut.

8. Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues: any stress i have I feel in my stomach!

9. Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges: ayup!!! body aches!! ouch!!!!

10. Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with other mental illness and/or labeled hypochondriac: I might have been because every time i expressed myself in my studies I would be misunderstood so I just stopped and gave the acceptable answer. I knew they were wrong if they went that direction. I was blest with a strong sense of self.

11. Questions place in the world: oh all the time.

12. Often drops small objects: I actually might…my phone has amazing abilities at falling….

13. Wonders who she is and what is expected of her: ALL THE TIME!!

14. Searches for right and wrong: all the time!

15. Since puberty, has had bouts of depression: yep!!

16. Flicks/rubs fingernails, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, and/or clears throat often: Funny to mention that…I sleep with my hand tucked between my legs. always have. (apparently I am normal wierd) and I do sign language to myself and tap my fingers to keep my thoughts ordered. I think in pictures sometimes and they fly by like a fast paced flashback in a movie and I can feel VERY VERY…whats the word?…Tunnel vision? overwhelmed…wanting to talk in pictures…shutdown mode…people say I have big eyes and they can’t read me at all when I am like this. I just get very intense and try to draw it all in and then try to drown it back to normal with music or with intense physical exertion.

Section E: Social Interaction

1. Friends have ended friendship suddenly and without person understanding why: ALL my life. Still would love to know why….because to me a friend is forever. even if they bug me. I talk and yell it out and it is over.

2. Tendency to over-share: yeah about that…i never know til AFTER and then I am all sorts of agitated for days. NOT a big fan.

3. Spills intimate details to strangers: used to. not anymore. but I trained myself big time. although…if I think I will never see them again I am much more prone to tell a stranger than a friend…usually…

4. Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class: I was known as being quiet til I started a debate…

5. Little impulse control with speaking when younger: ayup!

6. Monopolizes conversation at times: i think so? I try not to…

7. Bring subject back to self: i tend to draw from what i know. I try never to interrupt but that would be a learned trait. not something that came naturally at

8. Seems at times as narcissistic and controlling. (Is not narcissistic.) oh gosh I hope not! I am told I run things very organized but no one has said I am controlling. I DO like things my way a lot…

9. Shares in order to reach out: This could be in bold!!! THIS IS HOW I REACH OUT ABSOLUTELY.

10. Sounds eager and over-zealous at times: I am ridiculously excited over things I feel passionate about.

11. Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside: Til I write…or I explode.

12. Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly.”: Yep!!! because I never seem to be understood very well. And I am a pretty good communicator I think. But what do I know? I know all the rules but can’t seem to socially relate them unless I am writing.

13. Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest: I am constantly thinking about romance. Because I swear I am indoctrinated by disney.

14. Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, and posture in conversation: Used to be. Now I know exactly what is expected and can perform it perfectly. It expresses how I sincerely feel so that is fine. But I think it is a joke I have to ‘act’ a certain way just to be accepted. Why can’t I just smile and act like a goof and be loved? pft.

15. Conversation can be exhausting: In person, with someone I don’t know very well? absolutely. I can only handle so much of that. if I have a good friend and can just be myself and not worry about all the hidden thoughts and feelings…then i am very happy

16. Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually: yep!! I also tend to not be very forgiving when people lie emotionally, use people, act like they like me when they don’t, etc…hate it!!

17. Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-“filter”: nah…I feel i have it in hyperdrive and others just aren’t as opaquely honest.

18. Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people: yep! and through trial and error. when i had that burning in my chest because I was sincere and it was received badly and it hurt me.

19. Visualizes and practices how she will act around others: In big scenarios yes. Otherwise, I just put up my walls and increase my reserves and go be brave.

20. Practices in mind what she will say to another before entering the room: Sometimes. In big situations.

21. Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others: I don’t just talk. I can sense what i am saying. how it will be perceived. how i feel. what i mean. what they mean. what they aren’t telling me. how they are interacting with me. How we fit into a room. how others are perceiving us. How i perceive them. etc etc…It is exhausting.

22. Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situations: I know what is expected. I feel like I am hiding inside because if I broke from what socially is required I would be judged. it would hurt so I don’t deviate. If I do deviate it is by disappearing.

23. Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, or different from others: Oh I am totally wierd 🙂

24. As a child, it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk: Ya I think I just talked and talked without understanding when to shuttup.

25. She finds norms of conversation confusing: Yep!

Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

1. Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house: if I am in overload mode YES. If I can go with friends and have an adventure I am the most adventurous person ever.

2. One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat: If they aren’t a friend I get panicky.

3. Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety: Yep!

4. Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar: Certain ones absolutely.

5. Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up: yes sometimes actually. Worse now that I have kids. I feel more responsible than being carefree ol me.

6. All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about: Not true actually. Unless I am in overload mode. Then yes.

7. She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments: Yep!

8. Question next steps and movements continually: When stressed.

9. Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk doesn’t often alleviate anxiety: Yep!!!! I HAVE to positive talk myself.

10. Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind: Well, not really…knowing I don’t have any obligations and I am free makes me feel peace.

11. Requires a large amount of down time or alone time: yep!!!!

12. Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest: yep. because people are judgmental 😉

13. Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms: no actually.

14. Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, or crowded theater: no actually. I feel much more hidden and safe IN a crowd.

Section G: Sensitive

1. Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep: Yep!!!

2. Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort: Yep!!! I can’t sleep well with pants on. big time no no.

3. Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature: Yeah, my dreams need to take a chill pill

4. Highly intuitive to others’ feelings: Yep!!!

5. Takes criticism to heart: Oh criticism is EXTREMELY hard to deal with for me unless given with love. But it will stay with me on a deeper level for a much longer time than most.

6. Longs to be seen, heard, and understood: Oh so much!

7. Questions if she is a “normal” person: Yep. i’m not. 😉

8. Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions: Unfortunately…

9. At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words: See I DON”T. hence why people think I am obstinate, stubborn, and headstrong. or wierd or don’t follow rules etc…

10. Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily: I see my limitations very keenly. If others mention them it makes them that much more poignant. hard for me to accept myself.

11. Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work: Um ya! especially when I know how much work and effort I put into it.

12. Views many things as an extension of self: Yep!! of course it is a part of me. I DID it.

13. Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment: Yeah I do.

14. Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people: Yeah. If you want to see a fierce person try to hurt someone around me.

15. Collects or rescues animals. (often in childhood) Yep. Much to my parents’ chagrin

16. Huge compassion for suffering: very much!!!

17. Sensitive to substances. (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, etc.): Ya I need to be careful with what I put in my body.

18. Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action: yep! I care about people.

19. Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person: yep!! always!!

20. Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts: always!

Section H: Sense of Self

1. Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in: Yep!!! although moreso I mourn not fitting in and remain myself and try to keep my self esteem high.

2. Imitates others without realizing: I imitate very much on purpose.

3. Suppresses true wishes: all the time. I put others above me

4. Exhibits codependent behaviors: I definitly think I do. despite how independant I am i desire a stable person to be around big time.

5. Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule: Yep!!!!!

6.  Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms: Big time reject them.

7. Feelings of extreme isolation: yep!! extreme is a good word

8. Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work: yep!!!

9. Switches preferences based on environment and other people: Yep. I love so many things in this world. i find my favorites no matter where I go. I have to have ambiance in my settings.

10. Switches behavior based on environment and other people: I will tone down my behavior to try to fit in but I won’t stop completely. I might try if someone asks me too but I will end up becoming more rigid in who I am and get fiercely protective of myself and angry at being forced to be fake.

11. Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her: I was a total tomboy who loved my own style. I loved MY style. NOT true girlee things. To this day I do like some girlee things but i am more like a guy.

12. “Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later: ya, I have my freak out moments but I always know why I am freaking out. There is always a reason. I am good at identifying.

13. Young sounding voice: I think so?

14. Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces): actually I don’t know. i see in visual and tend to think I remember people but who knows…

Section I: Confusion

1. Had a hard time learning others are not always honest: Very much.

2. Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable. (self’s and others’): Oh not at all. I get them. What is confusing is why people cover up and lie and hide.

3.  Confuses appointment times, numbers, or dates: yes I SUCK at this!!!!!!

4. Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest: WHICH I CAN”T HANDLE!!!! It literally is soemthign I CAN”T handle.

5. Spoke frankly and literally in youth. I still do!! I never got sarcasm. now I use it but only when I am mad.

6. Jokes go over the head: sometimes yep!

7. Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray: Yeah, I am always the last to expect betrayal. it sucks.

8. Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme: I have trouble expressing less than extreme. I can’t talk about feelings usually until they become so bad I have no choice but to.

9. Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike: hard to feel them.

10. Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her. yep!! I rarely will lash out at them because I can feel their underlying hurt or their reasons and I feel compassion for them.but then I feel lost because I have been hurt.

11. Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity. nah, i am good with all those.

12. Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white. i tend to be rigid. I can see and feel all of it but then I expect them to do the same and realize that their behavior isn’t ok. I shouldn’t be the only one sacrificing their feelings for what is right. I tend to get angry at peoples’ ineptness.

13. The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood. (All or nothing mentality) yeah I tend to gravitate towards this quickly.

14. A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world: nah. like i said. I want it to be over and done with and stay friends.

15. A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss: Well yah! compliments make my heart happy.

Section J: Words and Patterns

1. Likes to know word origins: yep!! I study them often.

2. Confused when there is more than one meaning to a word: not confused. It makes me delve in even more deeply.

3. High interest in songs and song lyrics: very much!!!

4. Notices patterns frequently: all the time! I find peace in patterns.

5. Remembers things in visual pictures: I think in pictures.

6. Remembers exact details about someone’s life: Yep!! i memorize what people say, do, feel and I remember. that is why I can’t stand hypocrisy.

7. Has a remarkable memory for certain details: yep! I am a detail bank.

8. Writes or creates to relieve anxiety: absolutely!

9. Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words: Yep!!!

10. Words bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship: true!!

(Optional) Executive Functioning   This area isn’t always as evident as other areas

1. Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship: I always said that was depression. but ya

2. Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome: nope.

3. New places offer their own set of challenges. I find peace in new places.

4. Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic: Nope. i thrive in these situations.

5. The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety: sometimes yes.

6. Mundane tasks are avoided. no

7. Cleaning may seem insurmountable at times. yes. I hate my car 😛

8. Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task. I ask 8 quadrillion questions constantly.

9. Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia: haha nope…not that I know of.

10. A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming. yes! But only with kids 😉

11. Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class. Nope. I am an ace at dance 🙂 and love me some kickboxing and krav

12. Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house, but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are: yep! nothing drives me more crazy than keys or phones or such going missing.

This list was compiled after nine years of readings, research, and experience associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. More information can be found at http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com © Everyday Aspergers, 2012 This non-official checklist can be printed for therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, professors, teachers, and relatives, if Samantha Craft’s name and contact information remain on the print out.

Hope you guys enjoyed. I enjoyed :)~

Gray

Posted: February 18, 2013 in Poetry
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You think you can see something good in the gray.
Yes! There it is, you say…
It is slightly dark out in nowheresville
But “I am a child of different anyway” you say…
I will keep my eyes on the light and go out and adventure
perfectly safe!
I won’t step in the dark, only the gray.
Time flies by with the wind that carried you to investigate
Sounds start to hiss and you get a little burnt
Time to step back in the light and regroup
This gray hue is suffocating the soul desiring to breath light
Yes, it is well time enough to step back in the light.
You jump to get the warmth on your skin 
But you are miles away from where you should have been.
What happened? It was just right there. I never CHOSE to go this far
I never chose to go this far from the light.
I just wanted a bit of grey
So much to learn out here they say!
Pitch black rains down upon the grey
No matter where you walk you cannot find your way
The illusion of the light that you thought you were following
Melted away into a sign that said
You are forgotten
The small flame in your heart can only stay lit for so long
Before it realizes it needs the light to go on
When you are away in the gray when you need to be rekindled
Extreme Danger of becoming the darkness yourself
There is no such thing as safe darkness
there is only light and dark
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Remember

Posted: February 18, 2013 in Poetry
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Written July 21, 2007 *An oldie but a goodie. I reminded myself to remember how i used to feel. It really is a blessing to write down how you feel*

Just remember in the darkest hour
I am standing right by your side
Remember when you dream 
I hold these sacred thoughts protected 
Remember when the sky whirls into a storm
you have someplace to hide
Remember when you think of freedom
How many lives bled out thinking of loved ones
Remember when you see that girl in all black
all those moments you were alone in your own life
Remember when I am in your arms
that my heart is in them too
Remember when you see stars
the majic is the endowment of soulmates and you will fly through them
Remember when you see someone walk away, tearing your heart with each step
that the good can never be wharped or destroyed without our permission
Remember when someone you love dies
that you are the one they live on in
Remember when it is raining
That everyone cries; including the world
Remember when something tuggs at your heartstrings
someone can enter your life depending on where you let the reigns pull you
Remember when you light a candle
that you are lighting a beacon of memories
Remember that the light you shine
Lights my eyes by knowing your soul
Remember to rise to your best every day
because some good needs you to survive
Remember your lovers eyes
for they are your stable home that no one can ever take away
Remember most of all
on the days you want to forget or run away
Just to remember to remember

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Truth takes time.
Have you recognized spies in your pain?
Flash of presence sickens and assaults
Militia of backup in your love
My heart sinks safely into a safe house.
Evil masterfully made me disappear
With the touch of a burning cigarette
Gone 
Handle me with care
People have been running all over me
And i’m raw
Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Does in fact require a goodbye
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Where will you spend eternity?

Posted: February 17, 2013 in Poetry
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written Nov. 30.2007

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If you could 
you know you would
Read my palm
Like I read yours on our first date
Whatever road I was traveling with you
Would end with the love line giving me a loud cue
As you watch me free fall
I cant feel it anymore
Wild with destructive force
To purge my intense longing for the extreme
I hold my breath as I dive into your Kiss
Slamming your soul with truth
Every disaster could be our salvation
Cords deepening with every breath
Your soul becomes visible 
As you flow through my veins
Who knew that my dreams would be enscribed
Fitting into your world~
Starless spirit encircling your beating pink heart?
It takes a weak heart to forget
So be strong like the Hurricane
Flooding every detail of our days.
Rise above the mundane 
Replace the panicked tears of midnight hours past
With the out of control love embrace
Your emerald face brings my dreams home to ireland
Your Diamond was the sparkling of your souls’ Hemorhaged peice
Missing 
when one living cell
was torn apart into two 
 you clutched her name tight 
Clinging through a veil of amnesia
All the Ridges upon your fingertips
Memories painful scars from losing your other half in spirit realms
In a world so cold
which takes advantage of the nice and beautiful
Warmth and healing flew from my soul reading
As I realized it was true
I really had found YOU!!!!