What is up with that Aspie Girl?

Posted: March 24, 2014 in Stories
Tags: , , , , , ,

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“I don’t understand why she cares so much about small things”
“If she would just let it go she would be happier”
“She is making a big deal out of nothing”
“How in the world can she think that is ok?”
“what was she thinking?”
“Why the heck did she just say that?”
“I can’t read her. She either seems aloof or just goofy”

An Aspie could hear this her entire life.
She will feel deeper and look deeper than most. In some ways this will make her an expert in human emotion. She will read when someone is hiding something, read when someone likes her but isn’t saying, and identify when someone doesn’t like her but acts like they do. This world is full of facades.
The problem though, is it doesn’t come naturally. It is an analytic process.
I have just as much luck stumbling upon a brilliant philosophical idea as I do in overthinking a situation- believing an emotion is about me when it isn’t at all.
Same as any other aspie lady you know.
And can you really blame us? The world is full of completely wrong signals and we are actively, scientifically identifying them and we are calling out the mistakes. If you are sad but just say you are tired because it means less questions, If you are mad but just say ‘ok’, If you don’t like someone but don’t want to make a big deal, If you snap at someone and then say you were ‘teasing’…an aspie is going to see the dichotomy.
Growing up, my mother always told me “you can’t hold someone accountable for their feelings, only their actions”. This made me into someone who was always quiet. I’d be stuck thinking “wait, you just said this but you are feeling this other way and I need a half an hour to figure out why and decide how to respond” and then it would be too late and i would kick myself in the shins for not being more proactive or saying something witty that didn’t allow the emotional dishonesty to take place. Then of course my zen would return as I told myself to just let it go. yeah, I think too much.
There are days where someone would do something and I would see that schism and decide “nope! I will bring this one up!” and then find out it had nothing to do with me and I had pushed it for no good reason. They look at me like I am an idiot, they feel bothered, I feel stupid. I kick myself in the shin for two weeks wondering “why the heck didn’t you notice it isn’t about you? Why do you have to assume every emotion is about you? learn to just let go and let people be people” and then finally reach zen again ‘letting go’.
Here are just a few things an aspie girl will feel. They aren’t neurotypical but maybe you can relate.
1. when life is going well it feels like you are riding the train of life. It is going along and you are inside the train making meals, talking with people, keeping up just fine because you are on board. You may be tired, sad, happy, playful, or any other emotion but you are doing it on board the train. You can make it just fine. You can relate with people. You ‘feel’ it is possible. Then out of no where you aren’t on board anymore. You can’t stop either. Life isn’t that way of course. Life is always moving. No, now you are being pulled behind the train. But no one seems to notice. If you say “I am sad and can’t seem to do this” they respond “yeah I am sad too. Just do it anyway and it will be ok”. Of course, there is the difference of being pulled behind life and being on board for it.
2. People talk about needing time to recharge. Everyone needs a vacation and rest. But if you miss a little bit you still do fine. For an aspie girl it isn’t like recharging though. They need to rebuild themselves. Think of the differences in those words. Recharge means you are low on battery and you plug in and refill your reserves and go again. Rebuild means you are destroyed in your soul. Something wreaked havoc and tore you apart. This is what happens internally. Life grates at an aspies mind and heart. She will bump into walls because she doesn’t see them. She is ‘too much’ sometimes and other times blends in just fine. She feels an overabundance of the same thing the entire human race feels but she doesn’t intrinsically understand how to fit in. She will have fierce reactions to being misunderstood or feel severely depressed when mislabeled. She has to have time not just to recharge what she knows but to rebuild her world so she understands it and rebuild her self esteem so she continually has faith in herself. Time consuming? Yes. Hard to do? Absolutely.
3. I don’t like labels. In fact, Aspie or Aspergers or Autism just seem silly to me. It is as broad of a spectrum as the human race. But just as you could analyze and figure out how someone with one brain ‘type’ operates, you can analyze how an aspie type operates. They call it stimming, or having a meltdown or numerous other terms. But when those moments happen it is because an aspie is in overload. They have reached their max. Imagine your spirit/soul having a horribly bad sunburn. It hurts to be touched, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to have the air touching it, it hurts for no reason. Touch is bad, even if it is light. Being around people hurts. Having expectations hurts. Having to deal with figuring out what to say so you aren’t misunderstood, and figure out what the other person means, is impossible. You require time to heal away from people. It just ‘hurts’. There isn’t anything weak about it.
I have sucked it up plenty of times. I have gone to parties, or let someone come over, or dealt with a problem (because I am an adult and need to fulfill my responsibilities), which in essence felt like giving someone a hug when you have said sunburn. They hug you like normal and you can barely breath it hurts so bad, but you smile like it didn’t. Because they simply don’t know and you decided you needed to be brave and deal with the hurt for some greater cause. But you aren’t going to be able to be brave forever. If you run away and hide people probably are going to mislabel why or come up with crazy theories. If you are brave enough to figure out how to tell them they probably will not understand. Because lets face it- Unless your spirit has had a sunburn before you just won’t know how it feels.
4. There is a big time pride in your heart for making breakthroughs and helping people. In those moments you don’t crash into an unseen behavioral wall and land on  your butt and look like an idiot, but instead make a push beyond what others understand to raise awareness for something, you can be extremely happy. You helped! In that moment, none of the pain from before is there. You forget all the sunburnt, fall off the train, self hate feelings of ‘Why the crap am I not normal?’ and you believe in yourself. You feel you are contributing. Because you ARE. Life hurts. It sometimes hurts worse in some ways for some people. It may make more sense in some areas for other people. But we all are bumping and crashing and surviving and trying to make ourselves and others happy. Which leads me to the best thing of all. Number five.
5. Being an aspie doesn’t mean I am alone. An aspie is just like everyone else. They feel more of some things, they see less than some others. They analyze until their hearts bleed and their minds collapse. They love with more power than the universe. They can try fiercely to hide or get angry to protect themselves. Because, lets face it, this world is scary and painful and to feel you are alone and messing up can make us tremulous. But every time an aspie or a neurotypical person feels those feelings and tries anyway, loves anyway, keeps being seen anyway, or believes in themselves: They are BRAVE!
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Comments
  1. rhiadratech says:

    Love So much this

  2. madukovich says:

    I have never seen it put out like this, and now that I have, I do have a better understanding of things.

    ‘kovich

  3. Reblogged this on sputnikandmayhem and commented:
    So true for me.

  4. Emma says:

    Hi I’d love to post a link to this on my blog, would that be ok, it was such an awesome post! I have a wordpress blog – healthypossibilities.net

  5. Emma says:

    Reblogged this on Healthy Possibilities achieving autistic potential and commented:
    I have never posted from someone else’s blog before but this one just spoke so loudly that I wanted to pass it on to my readers too.

  6. PLLLEEEEEBBBB says:

    I have never read anything that has put this into words and did so with such eloquence. I’ve been dealing with a lot of the same things being described here.

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